Ice Cream Night (Tear it apart!)

[moot]

ice cream night:        *I liked this line. I thought it conveyed some imagery that could be expanded upon*
serve me all              *Perhaps simile could be used here*
your cloyed alm        *I thought this line distracted from the work*

but your diamonds    * Good use of imagery*
on the tongue            *This could use a little more work, it is direct. Unlike the previous lines which include imagery, I found it distracting*
don’t taste good         *This ends a little abruptly, as with the line above, there is no imagery or simile used*  

I like this work. It has a promising start and could present some nice visual elements. I thought there needed to be more use of imagery and simile. There are areas that could be further expanded upon to make this piece flow better.

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Hi all, I'm pretty new to the site so thank you for taking a look at this poem I wrote. I need to edit this for a class I'm taking and any comments - no matter how harsh - are deeply appreciated! Thanks again.