02-07-2018, 04:51 AM
Hi tectak,
enjoyed this.
Some thoughts (that take little account of meter).
Heartless nights…
We talked the night into red-lidded morn;
Do you need 'the'? (Or should it be 'a red-lidded..?)
Great phrase.
Could you tweak the title to avoid the nights/night
repetition?
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with nothing left to say.
Same question about 'with'
Enjoyed the move from 'red-lidded' to 'dry-eyed'.
Your venom hissed and hung around,
'hung around' is very clunky (were
you going for droplets suspended in the air?)
a vitriolic echoed sound,
v.small point but 'hissed' and 'echo' imply sound.
that damped the music of the dawn;
'damped' and 'dawn' (and 'drove') are nice
sonically and alliteratively, but I was a bit
disappointed that you didn't follow the
venom/vitriol thought through in this line.
and drove the song away.
nice line.
Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
my fingers creep towards your body heat.
Could you do anything about the repetition of 'your'?
'body heat' - more snake behaviour?
Like cellophane, my crackling heart,
pleasingly unexpected image.
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
nice.
I hear through sheets - that love me more -
(Got lost on - that love me more- )
another steady beat.
Don't know what it would do to your narrative,
but I'd suggest switching the order of the verses.
Amongst other things, 'drove the song away'
makes a great end line.
Best, Knot.
enjoyed this.
Some thoughts (that take little account of meter).
Heartless nights…
We talked the night into red-lidded morn;
Do you need 'the'? (Or should it be 'a red-lidded..?)
Great phrase.
Could you tweak the title to avoid the nights/night
repetition?
dry mouthed, dry-eyed , with nothing left to say.
Same question about 'with'
Enjoyed the move from 'red-lidded' to 'dry-eyed'.
Your venom hissed and hung around,
'hung around' is very clunky (were
you going for droplets suspended in the air?)
a vitriolic echoed sound,
v.small point but 'hissed' and 'echo' imply sound.
that damped the music of the dawn;
'damped' and 'dawn' (and 'drove') are nice
sonically and alliteratively, but I was a bit
disappointed that you didn't follow the
venom/vitriol thought through in this line.
and drove the song away.
nice line.
Tonight, behind your closed and dreamless door,
my fingers creep towards your body heat.
Could you do anything about the repetition of 'your'?
'body heat' - more snake behaviour?
Like cellophane, my crackling heart,
pleasingly unexpected image.
arrhythmic riffs that stop and start,
nice.
I hear through sheets - that love me more -
(Got lost on - that love me more- )
another steady beat.
Don't know what it would do to your narrative,
but I'd suggest switching the order of the verses.
Amongst other things, 'drove the song away'
makes a great end line.
Best, Knot.