02-06-2018, 02:56 AM
Hi Richard,
a cut 'n' paste with comments.
What's the easiest way to break a neck?
The crudest answer would be hands.
(If you wanted you could add to the brutality
here, have him face to face with his victims)
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.
don't think you need this line
(it's obvious, and you are willing to speculate about
other elements so not doing so here seems strange.)
His solution was gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
(perhaps 'quickly snap' ?)
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous.
As he planned his suicide,
Do you know that 'planned' is the right word?
(As opposed to 'thought about' or 'contemplated'?)
her blood settled into a towel
Not sure about 'settled', and where is this towel?
What's implied, I think, is that it is in the son's room.
(why is there any blood at all?
Was this due to the 'fight' in the original version?)
their son's room silent.
In terms of 'structure' you seem to be missing a line here
(about N's reaction to the scene.)
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,
Slight ambiguity here, him (the son) or him (the father)?
angels were asleep with concussions.
Why both 'asleep' and 'concussions'?
I imagine him holding a bible,
yet unable to remember where he found it.
It's an interesting image, but was 'religion'
a factor in this crime?
To me it feels like you're a verse short,
either the discovery of the events, or
when N discovers them.
It does leave open the question of 'why',
both for the murderer and the poet
(which I think may be a strength.
If you can recover the 'spectator' line,
I think it ties N and the killer together
nicely)
I think this is a good draft of an interesting
subject that is handled well, without
sensationalism. I particularly like the
'commentary' lines. Though for me
it is not quite dark enough and the
title doesn't add anything to the piece.
Best, Knot.
a cut 'n' paste with comments.
What's the easiest way to break a neck?
The crudest answer would be hands.
(If you wanted you could add to the brutality
here, have him face to face with his victims)
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.
don't think you need this line
(it's obvious, and you are willing to speculate about
other elements so not doing so here seems strange.)
His solution was gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
(perhaps 'quickly snap' ?)
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous.
As he planned his suicide,
Do you know that 'planned' is the right word?
(As opposed to 'thought about' or 'contemplated'?)
her blood settled into a towel
Not sure about 'settled', and where is this towel?
What's implied, I think, is that it is in the son's room.
(why is there any blood at all?
Was this due to the 'fight' in the original version?)
their son's room silent.
In terms of 'structure' you seem to be missing a line here
(about N's reaction to the scene.)
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,
Slight ambiguity here, him (the son) or him (the father)?
angels were asleep with concussions.
Why both 'asleep' and 'concussions'?
I imagine him holding a bible,
yet unable to remember where he found it.
It's an interesting image, but was 'religion'
a factor in this crime?
To me it feels like you're a verse short,
either the discovery of the events, or
when N discovers them.
It does leave open the question of 'why',
both for the murderer and the poet
(which I think may be a strength.
If you can recover the 'spectator' line,
I think it ties N and the killer together
nicely)
I think this is a good draft of an interesting
subject that is handled well, without
sensationalism. I particularly like the
'commentary' lines. Though for me
it is not quite dark enough and the
title doesn't add anything to the piece.
Best, Knot.