First Edit: Death (in life)
#3
(02-02-2018, 03:44 PM)alexorande Wrote:  
(02-02-2018, 01:44 PM)yimbus Wrote:  An expansive fist I like the opening
that keeps clenched maybe "keeping clenched" instead?
so tightly 'round the womb.  maybe "tightly around the womb" instead? When used with my above suggestion of course.
Suffocatingly free not sure if this oxymoron works
yet provocative I'd keep provocative and omit free. "free" was a distraction for me.
in all its tragic ways. At this point I think this is trying to depict a violent abortion of some sort

Glimpsing through the creases
that interlace its grip, no comma needed
between its glossy knuckles, I'd either keep "grip" or "glossy knuckles". I'd go with the latter. Of course after picking from the two, some rephrasing should be in order. I enjoyed the imagery though
sight fails to see Using "sight to see" sounds unnecessary. I'd replace sight with "I", but even then the line doesn't prove it's significance to the whole piece. Needs a little more umph
as far as thee Thee? Why thee?
who fled its yielding vice. "yielding vice" is too vague.

Dream of things 
but fail your plea 
for the endless eschewal 
from its gruesome toil. What is "its"? This whole stanza is too vague. I understand that you might be wanting to leave your reader room for subjectivity, but you wanna provide a scene and then let the reader interpret it, otherwise you might as well give the reader a blank page and let them start writing in it. This doesn't go for the whole poem, just this stanza. I don't even think this stanza is important to the poem, as the reader.

Many perish inside its walls
'fore they traverse the webbing why not just use before? Is there a meter you're trying to follow?
that crosses between outside and in, "between outside and in" sounds wordy. To just say "outside" implies that there's an inside and "crossing between" doesn't sound right. 
overlapping with the heart. Cannot make sense of overlapping

Yet if one were to live
transparent to the evil Throw in an "and"? —> I was trying to say that as a complete phrase, the evil that is inspired by a known (or necessary) fate
inspired by necessary fate
maybe they shall see
how beautiful it is
in this receding space. I really wish I knew more of this space the N was talking of, but even down until this last stanza, the vocabulary used was too vague for me to even care. I'll highlight the words I'm talking about that I'd like you to go more in depth with.
Good luck with it, Alex
The title is pretty much the premise of the poem. Was just metaphorically speaking about death and how it’s viewed, by people who may seek it, are curious of it, or fear it. Hopefully that clears some of it up...if not, let me know and I’ll clarify the parts you were confused about. Thanks for the other feedback too, I’ll keep it all in mind if/when I make an edit
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Messages In This Thread
First Edit: Death (in life) - by yimbus - 02-02-2018, 01:44 PM
RE: Death (in life) - by alonso ramoran - 02-02-2018, 03:44 PM
RE: Death (in life) - by yimbus - 02-03-2018, 10:45 AM
RE: Death (in life) - by alonso ramoran - 02-03-2018, 11:27 AM
RE: Death (in life) - by tectak - 02-03-2018, 09:09 PM
RE: Death (in life) - by ritwiksadhu33 - 02-03-2018, 09:39 PM
RE: Death (in life) - by yimbus - 02-08-2018, 12:14 PM



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