02-03-2018, 01:55 AM
(01-20-2018, 01:19 PM)Richard Wrote: Yes, Richard...it is going in the right direction. There are some old points and new in text. I know I am a pain but some bits of this just grate on me...and it is ME, not you BUT I will try to explain myself as below.
First Edit:
As he planned his suicide,Beware the "as" word. Not only does it imply concurrency but it is dangerously conditional. I believe you casually go for the former but the latter makes the link between the "planning" and the necessity of the settling blood. Better for me would be "He planned his suicide whilst her blood settled in to a towel" Concurrency but no conditional link...yes no?
her blood settled into a towelBegs for punctuation. OK...don't punctuate for style but do punctuate for sense. You wrote "...blood settled in to a towel their son's room silent." No sense. If you must enjamb...and I see no reason for or against...do not use gravity as punctuation. After the towel I just fell of the line...why?
their son's room silent.
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?Last time...I promise. I task you...read this and weep. " What is the best way to break one's neck? Why, with one's hands." So...if you use "one's" you are strictly first person. You cannot have it both ways. that is why I thought the image of someone committing suicide by throttling himself with his own hands was not the easy option
his last question. Why the clipped sentences? "...was his last question", surely? Oh, I can see it balances stylistically with stanza one but to what purpose? Now you have two stanzas which are unclear due to lack of the squiggly marks.
The crudest answer would be hands.Q: What is the easiest way to clip one's nails? A: The crudest answer would be hands. Am I getting there? You need to say more sooner because hands alone just doesn't answer the question...even crudely. I would leave out this line. I don't know what it adds.
His solution was gym equipment,...again with the simplification of intent. As the NARRATOR you are only able to report on outcomes...in other words, on what happened to make you come to your stated conclusions. I am again asking you to stop with the chronological inversions. His solution was to use equipment in a gym. He could arrange heavy weights to fall and snap his neck quickly, so surmises the narrator. But wait, last line in this stanza is out of the blue....suddenly, the narrator is IN the scenario...having his OWN thoughts. This is not consistent with what has gone before....deliberate? I don't think so. It is an accidental person shift. You COULD make it in to something if you had the inclination...psychological analysis by a professional AFTER the suicide...hmmmm...yes...that might work
weights arranged to snap quickly,
but I like to think nothing is truly instantaneous. My original comments stand. No...this is not worth pondering on unless we are listening to a fully committed sadist.
I imagine the world was spinning too fast for him,Let's straighten up and fly right. "Perhaps his world was spinning too fast; his Angels dizzy, asleep and concussed."
angels were asleep with concussions....but this is really good, anyway. Don't lose it.
I imagine him holding a bible, " Had he held a bible as he killed, he would not have known where he found it...yet something made him sedate his victims. Perhaps righteous compassion made him feel humane." Your poem, my attempt to make it work for me. Ignore me.
yet unable to remember where he found it.
Sedating them probably made him feel almost humane,
another unknown only he owns.Unnecessary....particularly as you have been in his head for so many words.
So there it is. I can now count two murders but hell, the son's was hidden. You have a good train of though but keeping it on the lines is one thing...changing the bloody driver halfway through the journey is another.
Best,
tectak
(apologies for being suggestive...)
Best,
tectak
Original:
I
What is the easiest way to break one's neck?
Hands,
once belonging to a father, husband, son,
given to fire, a failed cleanse.
Gym equipment,
weights arranged to snap quickly,
nothing is truly instantaneous.
II
Friday night,
her blood settles into a towel,
their fight transforms into a forgotten dream.
In his brain he hears his name chanted,
only to wake up alone, bathed in blackness,
angels still asleep with concussions,
the world spinning too fast.
He holds a bible and tries to remember
where he found it.
Even his tears are unsure of whose cheeks they are wetting.
III
Sedation feels the most humane.
He becomes a spectator for the rest:
feet sneak towards the door,
there will be no knock or happy goodnights,
arms, hands finish too fast.
Dazed, he manages to find a bible
and gives it to his son.
