01-27-2018, 08:47 PM
Hi, ritwik. Both of these work well for me. Some points to think about:
1. This works well as is. A Strong image that is fun to play with, imagining the take-off.
L1: While I like the sound of "Late evening sky" what is late evening? Is it night? Is it past sunset but not quite dark? You can leave it up to the reader or find the exact word to solidify the image, up to you. Just a thought.
2:Again, the poem as a whole is lovely but L1 is a bit of an unpleasant mouthful for me, you may be able to improve that. Roofs is the key here, I'm not sure what neighbors' adds. L3: You might consider cover instead of covering.
Thanks for posting them, interesting read.
1. This works well as is. A Strong image that is fun to play with, imagining the take-off.
L1: While I like the sound of "Late evening sky" what is late evening? Is it night? Is it past sunset but not quite dark? You can leave it up to the reader or find the exact word to solidify the image, up to you. Just a thought.
2:Again, the poem as a whole is lovely but L1 is a bit of an unpleasant mouthful for me, you may be able to improve that. Roofs is the key here, I'm not sure what neighbors' adds. L3: You might consider cover instead of covering.
Thanks for posting them, interesting read.
(01-27-2018, 07:25 PM)ritwiksadhu33 Wrote: 1. Late evening sky,
Black leaf silhouettes -
Suddenly one grew wings
2. Neighbours’ roofs:
Endless clotheslines
Covering a naked world.
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