01-19-2018, 11:26 PM
Hi mercedes,
for me this is a bit 'interesting and yet...'
Whilst the meaning of the title works,
I don't think the language does.
Mens’ bodies, flexed,
in two minds about flexed, body builders
...Greek statues..?
were bound tightly, placed
do you need 'were'?
in a canoe, a coffin, on a stage,
or in a tree in deep forest
or sacred site.
I find the list a little too long,
too many alternatives,
makes the rite seem haphazard.
Would suggest breaking the line here.
After a year
attendants cleansed the bones:
not sure about 'cleansed',
and in a 'sky burial' wouldn't
the bones be 'naturally' clean by now?
oiled, painted with red ochre,
is it 'painted' or 'stained' or...?
tied into a bundle and hidden
'bundle' seems rather weak
given the context.
Hidden from what?
in a cave, among rocks, in
a hollow tree.
same 'alternative' problem.
Even the strongest. Memory stores
strong horses pulling,
young bulls harnessed,
gelded boars’ tusk.
Not really following this...
a Grecian urn?
The Lycians, overpowered in battle,
would prefer the detail of a specific battle,
(overpowered at ...)
otherwise 'overpowered in battle' seems
unnecessary, given what follows.
under seige within their walls, sent
isn't 'within their walls' implied by under siege?
(Also 'siege' is misspelt)
wives, slaves, children, and treasures
like the distinction/separation given to 'treasures'
though it does make me question the order
'wives, slaves, children' - odd priorities.
to the citadel, burned it down
'burned it down' is a bit weak,
why not 'put it to the torch' or similar?
then sallied forth against the enemy.
'sallied forth' sounds a bit jaunty to me.
They all died, sword in hand.
do you need 'they all died'?
No survivors.
This verse almost has the feel of an old
telegram from the front, a report of an 'action'.
Would it be worth emphasising that?
I like the component parts, except for S2 which confuses me,
but I'm not sure what they add up to, or if this arithmetical
failure is entirely mine.
Best, Knot
for me this is a bit 'interesting and yet...'
Whilst the meaning of the title works,
I don't think the language does.
Mens’ bodies, flexed,
in two minds about flexed, body builders
...Greek statues..?
were bound tightly, placed
do you need 'were'?
in a canoe, a coffin, on a stage,
or in a tree in deep forest
or sacred site.
I find the list a little too long,
too many alternatives,
makes the rite seem haphazard.
Would suggest breaking the line here.
After a year
attendants cleansed the bones:
not sure about 'cleansed',
and in a 'sky burial' wouldn't
the bones be 'naturally' clean by now?
oiled, painted with red ochre,
is it 'painted' or 'stained' or...?
tied into a bundle and hidden
'bundle' seems rather weak
given the context.
Hidden from what?
in a cave, among rocks, in
a hollow tree.
same 'alternative' problem.
Even the strongest. Memory stores
strong horses pulling,
young bulls harnessed,
gelded boars’ tusk.
Not really following this...
a Grecian urn?
The Lycians, overpowered in battle,
would prefer the detail of a specific battle,
(overpowered at ...)
otherwise 'overpowered in battle' seems
unnecessary, given what follows.
under seige within their walls, sent
isn't 'within their walls' implied by under siege?
(Also 'siege' is misspelt)
wives, slaves, children, and treasures
like the distinction/separation given to 'treasures'
though it does make me question the order
'wives, slaves, children' - odd priorities.
to the citadel, burned it down
'burned it down' is a bit weak,
why not 'put it to the torch' or similar?
then sallied forth against the enemy.
'sallied forth' sounds a bit jaunty to me.
They all died, sword in hand.
do you need 'they all died'?
No survivors.
This verse almost has the feel of an old
telegram from the front, a report of an 'action'.
Would it be worth emphasising that?
I like the component parts, except for S2 which confuses me,
but I'm not sure what they add up to, or if this arithmetical
failure is entirely mine.
Best, Knot