01-13-2018, 10:59 PM
Hi Alex.
Have you (re)considered three line verses?
Just an idea.
Horse hooves [stamp the black] mud,
(I know you're going for the sound,
but 'kiss' just doesn't work for me
- how slowly are the horses moving?)
where spots of sunlight strewed
(probably should be 'strewn'.
Why not spilled?)
like fallen fruits,
The day is ripe as mangoes
straining [at their] stems
...
relatives' laughter lines remain
unchanged as the course of rivers,
wrinkling the countryside,
memories of our playful shrieks
and water-splashing.
...
Savory aromas call the province
to a feast yielded from the land's
enduring bounty.
[R]roasted pig, fried plantains,
that morning's catch,
and Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas;
my great grandparents dance,
beneath the metal roof,
strung in fairy lights,
...
salsa
of my arrival.
No rum?
Best, Knot.
PS. Had a further thought about 'kiss/hooves'.
Could you compare the sound to a kiss given by a relative?
Have you (re)considered three line verses?
Just an idea.
Horse hooves [stamp the black] mud,
(I know you're going for the sound,
but 'kiss' just doesn't work for me
- how slowly are the horses moving?)
where spots of sunlight strewed
(probably should be 'strewn'.
Why not spilled?)
like fallen fruits,
The day is ripe as mangoes
straining [at their] stems
...
relatives' laughter lines remain
unchanged as the course of rivers,
wrinkling the countryside,
memories of our playful shrieks
and water-splashing.
...
Savory aromas call the province
to a feast yielded from the land's
enduring bounty.
[R]roasted pig, fried plantains,
that morning's catch,
and Tia Yenia's buttery ojaldas;
my great grandparents dance,
beneath the metal roof,
strung in fairy lights,
...
salsa
of my arrival.
No rum?
Best, Knot.
PS. Had a further thought about 'kiss/hooves'.
Could you compare the sound to a kiss given by a relative?