Bowling Green's Underbelly

[ADUnser]

just to be sure you understand; this is something i see as being bad poetry, [as in it's not good or mediocre poetry]we are allowed to say it's bad if we justify it. here's my justification:

to start with it reads not as a poem, but as a story, i see some of the poetic devices yet on reading the piece it's not coming off as anything more than poetry from a beginner. while it may be good rap as the spoken word, it doesn't have enough cadence or rhythm to convert me. the story feels very very drawn out and a little implausible. you leave little to the readers imagination. it does in places have a rap feel to it but as a poem it needs a lot more from a lot less.

Bowling Green's Underbelly

The odor of burning marijuana reeks from a room at the Days Inn
Two cops were on the scene, pure coincidence
They knock on the door,
"Who is it?"
"It's the Bowling Green Police on a routine visit"
No reply, only a quiet "hush"
Followed by the sound of a toilet flush
Now the door opens,
It ain't hard to tell what they been smoking,
But that ain't all, something's odd
A suspicious bag gave em probable cause
The cops bust in, what'ya know?
Looked under the bed and found a bag of coke
Now in the nightstand, they found a stash of heroin
I ain't spitting fiction, Read this in the Daily News
Only last weekend only last weekend what?
I bet you think it's an isolated incident,
But pay attention and the issue's evident
Underneath the guise of regularity,
Bowling Green has a side that I find scary
Every day more drugs pass through
It's like an epidemic cliche
Heroin is spreading like the common flu
I know this for a fact, an empty phrase
Just six years ago I lived with my mom, no need for [just]
and she was addicted to crack
Yet there's rarely an arrest
Man, are the cops taking a rest?
Off the top of my head redundant
There were about 8 bank robberies last year
All of em unsolved, do ya'll even want my respect?
This town may not have a ghetto
But drugs and violence are here, it shows
Everybody can keep living blind,
Act like your problems aren't mine,
But this has gone on too long and it's just a matter of time
Before more of em wise up and realize
Bowling Green, Ky is a low life's paradise

That's fine and thank you for your objective criticism. I only got annoyed at the other guy for not having anything valid to say and just lazily calling my poem awful. I'm not very good at this which is why I'm here.

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Before you read the poem I just want to provide a little background. I'm more into rap than poetry but I've been getting into writing poems to improve my skills as a rapper. I don't want to rap for money or to be an entertainer, I want to shed light on some issues that plague the American south that have drastically affected myself, my community and many others in this region. Nobody is really talking about this stuff and I just want to do something to bring attention to it which is why I've been trying to get better at writing. This is just a little poem I wrote to talk about a major issue in my hometown.

Bowling Green's Underbelly

The odor of burning marijuana reeks from a room at the Days Inn   This is a lot of words, you should describe the smell, for people who don’t know. “perverse sewer” comes to mind.
Two cops were on the scene, pure coincidence two cops is dry. too clinical.
They knock on the door,
"Who is it?"
"It's the Bowling Green Police on a routine visit" bowling green police - routine visit” has more rythm.
No reply, only a quiet "hush"
Followed by the sound of a toilet flush
Now the door opens,
It ain't hard to tell what they been smoking,
But that ain't all, something's odd
A suspicious bag gave em probable cause the odor did, though, right? Doesn’t work.
The cops bust in, what'ya know?
Looked under the bed and found a bag of coke
Now in the nightstand, they found a stash of heroin This reads as if it is written by someone who has no idea about the drugs they are talking about, how about a little flare, some slang, something to make it a little more interesting, to give the speaker character
I ain't spitting fiction, Read this in the Daily News
Only last weekend
I bet you think it's an isolated incident,
But pay attention and the issue's evident
Underneath the guise of regularity,
Bowling Green has a side that I find scary
Every day more drugs pass through
It's like an epidemic
Heroin is spreading like the common flu
I know this for a fact,
Just six years ago I lived with my mom,
and she was addicted to crack
Yet there's rarely an arrest
Man, are the cops taking a rest?
Off the top of my head
There were about 8 bank robberies last year
All of em unsolved, do ya'll even want my respect? I think you might have waited a little too long to get to your point. For me, poetry is best used in brevity to convey a point or idea.
This town may not have a ghetto
But drugs and violence are here, it shows
Everybody can keep living blind,
Act like your problems aren't mine,your? also, problems, gah, come on...  This is getting angsty
But this has gone on too long and it's just a matter of time
Before more of em wise up and realize
Bowling Green, Ky is a low life's paradise ky makes my mind wonder, and, honestly, it’s probably not required...

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The cops don’t arrest a lot of time for simple posssesiom because they want an excuse to stop people to check all occupants of a car for more serious warrants... but that’s ot.

The first section of this poem comes straight from a news article so your criticism of that part having errors outside of the way I wrote it doesn't really hold up for me. As for the part about the drugs, we don't use street slang in Bowling Green. We just call it what it is. There's a problem here and I want to talk about it, but I'm not from a place that uses that type of terminology so I'm not going to. I disagree with a lot of your criticisms because it honestly feels like your criticizing my reality which is just a bit ridiculous and not relevant to the way the poem is written. Thanks for the feedback though.