Verdunt

[QDeathstar]

The green hills where our bodies lay
were torn apart by blackberries
we hid & danced, then ran away
when clouds revealed our histories

and when the rain restores the life we burnt
I will show you God in a handful of dirt.


Previous Versions

In the Meadows where our bodies lay
Between the vicious thorns of blackberries
We hid & danced and ran so far away
When the clouds had read our histories

And when the rain restores the Life we burnt
I'll show you love in a handful of dirt.

Hi. I think this is a good poem. I can't decide if i like love or God better in the second stanza, but that stanza is just about perfect. I think if you said Love it would say god without explicitly saying it. Maybe God is better, but i like love better. Just an edit after reading some crits, i prefer life over lifes. It's far better acoustically and i think it places more weight on the poem, being singular.

My least favorite part of the poem is "we hid & danced, then ran away". I hate the ampersand. It's jarring and distracting. The wording... it's kinda like blah blah blah blah... the rough in the diamond. Then we and.. so many boring words in one line.