12-30-2017, 08:32 AM
(10-16-2017, 10:01 PM)silentseas Wrote: ice cream night: // you're invoking an image/place/time in the readers mind here. I enjoy this. Short, simple language.
serve me all
your cloyed alms // sickly sweet charity. very evocative.
// this first stanza has a hidden meaning. the literal is that at nice cream night, the speaker is served overly sweet, somewhat disgustingly so. metaphorical, to me it means a sort of repentence period between lovers: ice cream night is when they're trying to woo you back after doing something wrong. the stanza is short and vague enough that one can get lots of images here. try and be a little bit more specific; a definition of who "you" is would do wonders for the poem; you can use the subject of who "you" is within the title without changing the poem at all.
but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good
// you broke your own imposed structure here. 'but your diamonds' is 4 syllables when every other line is 3. Suggest fixing that. Find a better way to say "don't taste good' and you'll have made a much better poem.
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Hi all, I'm pretty new to the site so thank you for taking a look at this poem I wrote. I need to edit this for a class I'm taking and any comments - no matter how harsh - are deeply appreciated! Thanks again.