The Green Jackets are coming

[KYPunk]

Edit 1
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
I would sit in the shadows,
watch kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks. Nice. Bleak imagery.


I was learning.


A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be by the bridge before the park,
it's winter, it's dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own. So you got this rhyme thing here that is unique and doesn't happen anywhere else, so I colored it.
They jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?” You punctuate this quotation here, but not later.
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.


Children spun like sycamore seeds,
coats twirling held by hoods, Beautiful.
a tribal chant began.
I would consider joining these stanzas. But maybe you wanted to emphasize the quote more.


The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming, I agree that italics or punctuation would be good, not just for clarity, but tone.


Through every class room,
the story fell like dominoes, This comes off very dramatic, befitting the story itself.
tears were beating snot bubbles to lips. Gross but good.
By home time the police where there I liked four o'clock better. It is still ambiguous whether the police were there as a result of the story being circulated, or arrived at home-time every day. It is unclear whether these events are normal or significant.
guiding the panic - Plus, this line can be interpreted as either the apparent chaos of children flooding out of school normally, or that the children were truly terrified, needing to be shepherded out.
through school gates
Were the police there because of a girl attacked in the park? to quell a gruesome rumor? to calm upset parents? or simply guide leaving traffic? It's unclear but in this case I consider it a strength.


I have grown.


I see you,
vulnerable behind your screens, Along with 'whiten your smile' I imagine being watched through my bathroom mirror. Lying to themselves?
I sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
control any gullible fool who's willing to believe, This line spoils it for me. We're meant to wonder if the green jackets were real, an omission you seem to play on. Not opposed to this reveal, but the execution, particularly this line and arguably the last, leave the wrong aftertaste for a poem that has so much impact up until this point.
the Green Jackets are on their way.
This last stanza let's the cat out of the bag in a way that is less emphatic and intense as the rest of the piece. We're meant to wonder if the green jackets were real, an omission you seem to play on. I'm not necessarily opposed to the “reveal” itself but maybe the execution.
 Excuse me, I know that's alot  I look forward to seeing where you go with this, as I certainly enjoyed the read.

Original
The park tunnel was long enough
to lose peripheral vision,
it dripped even in dry weather.
Sometimes I would sit in the shadows
watching kids run like bumper cars
sparking fear onto blackened bricks.

I was learning.

A test for the playground huddle.
Have you heard?
when we leave at four the Green Jackets
will be waiting by the bridge before the park,
its winter, it will be dark.
There was this girl walking home,
on her own.
Four of them jumped her.
“What did they do, what did they do?”
They stripped her and carved Green Jackets
on her back with a razor blade.

Children spun like sycamore seeds,
their coats twirling held only by the hoods,
a tribal chant began.

The Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming,
the Green Jackets are coming.

Through every class room at every age,
the story spread like falling dominoes,
tears where beating snot bubbles to lips.
By four o’clock the police where there
guiding panic stricken animals
through school gates that creaked
with laughter in the wind.

I have grown.

You're weak, needy and vulnerable,
safe behind your screens,
pickings for someone as well schooled as me
in telling you what to dream.
Reaching out down copper wires,
I can listen through a billion phones,
watch you through your webcam
uncensored, unchecked and uncontained.
I can sell you God in the morning
and whiten your smile in the afternoon,
I can make you drool.
control any gullible fool who still believes,
the Green Jackets are on their way.