12-21-2017, 01:04 AM
(12-20-2017, 08:14 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: I feel like this is already in a book somewhere. The formatting, the vague... everything. Some of the language sounds better than listens. Well, I get lost, can't keep a train of thought. I look for reasons and tell myself it's all intentional.I'm glad you're not helpful, thank you for not helping.
What I would do is pick out my favorite lines and shorten this about halfway, but maybe it's all necessary. Good luck, sorry I can't be more helpful
(12-20-2017, 08:44 AM)Leanne Wrote: I'm sorry, I really don't know where to begin with this. If you take out all the abstractions (soul, mind, etc) and the cliches (verdict is clear, eyes wide, thorn/rose, home away from home, here there and everywhere, etc), spelling errors/ typos notwithstanding, there's not a lot left that says anything particularly new. Now, that's ok if you're just exploring your own thoughts but to be honest, I was more entertained by removing all the formatting than by reading the poem itself. I feel that this could be condensed to just a line or two from each stanza and probably keep the last few lines, because that seems to be where the poem really is.At 1544 ? It's not needed. It's a bit testless, like a photo without content.
(12-19-2017, 02:45 AM)Rorf Asalis Wrote: Soul's mirrors and mind's
study are the eyes,
and the verdict is clear,
wild animals cave in the
hollows of your mind, herds,
escorting your thoughts
and opening your eyes wide,
front window to a
spacy mind's fantasies,
and easy smiles drawn,
as thorny roses pricking
your fingers, you're hurt.
Call it gathering of the herds,
or.... the others showed up.
Snakes spell words ?
One word one snake ?
One stabbing one wolf ?
Feels like jungle, go hunting,
chase the wild with the risky,
personalize the unknown,
then look for the stick.
Seems to feel like
being in other places,
in their places ?
too small a world ?
meeting them everywhere,
always away from a home,
in your home.
You're searching all the time
without looking for something,
you're here and there and
your thoughts everywhere,
pages never turned,
a bit of each on a lot,
starting one and continuing another,
thoughts are powering you,
natural energizers,
consuming yourself.
You're consumed unhappily,
sleeping seated and eating laid,
waiting with the mornings for light.
Enjoy watching the horizon
at the sea shores,
not the sky,
guess how big the world is,
don't wonder what's on
it's other side, reporting
leave of absence.
You always want to see
where your sight can't reach.
Look at the mirror
and see something.
Where are you ?
You seem to think, it's not worthy it.
But everything ? Everybody ?
[Who's remote, you or the others.
Where those you looked for are ?
You are leaving us,
if you could look at me and see my
concerns, would you stay with us.
It's not an end,
forests will keep making oxygen,
the sun, light and
the seas, rain's water.
Live, Alive.
(12-20-2017, 01:22 PM)Hannah Wrote: The format is a bit confusing for me. And there are grammar error/capitalization errors that I'm not sure if they are intentional or not. I would spend some time really figuring out what it is you are trying to say and then work on condensing this, maybe go line by line.We have to look at mirrirs without glasses to figure things out about our selves and the world.
P.S. If you please refer to a grammatical error, to start the process.
