12-20-2017, 01:28 AM
Hi Keith
S1
The opening is a bit misleading.
Agree with vagabond about 'small hands'
Of the 'blue and white' what?
Like the play of 'safe' and 'cigarette'.
S2
No real change in rhythm, where's the speed?
'Something starts' - what does?
'mad mile of...' - nice line
S3.
'fruit bowl key' has a 70s wife swap feel.
nice ending.
It all seems a bit flat. Not much energy, no sensations.
Arguably, as it stands, you could cut it down to the final stanza
and not lose much. Though the question of whether the rider
survives remains.
Best, Knot
S1
The opening is a bit misleading.
Agree with vagabond about 'small hands'
Of the 'blue and white' what?
Like the play of 'safe' and 'cigarette'.
S2
No real change in rhythm, where's the speed?
'Something starts' - what does?
'mad mile of...' - nice line
S3.
'fruit bowl key' has a 70s wife swap feel.
nice ending.
It all seems a bit flat. Not much energy, no sensations.
Arguably, as it stands, you could cut it down to the final stanza
and not lose much. Though the question of whether the rider
survives remains.
Best, Knot