12-17-2017, 05:01 AM
Hey duke,
'dead leaves go painterly' is a bit of a standout line.
I think you could trim this a little (see below)
and I'd also suggest rephrasing,
to have each stanza pose a question.
If you can find a way to avoid the
repetition of thing(s) that would help too.
A cut and paste suggestion:
When that Mood manifests,
every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
all that's in sight.
Dead leaves go painterly
in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
with all our might.
Is it this Mood that makes
dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,
awe and delight?
Or does that fickle Mood
form in our solitude [fickle]
born out of happenstance
when the scene's right?
(Sorry about the loss of rhyme here
)
Best, Knot
'dead leaves go painterly' is a bit of a standout line.
I think you could trim this a little (see below)
and I'd also suggest rephrasing,
to have each stanza pose a question.
If you can find a way to avoid the
repetition of thing(s) that would help too.
A cut and paste suggestion:
When that Mood manifests,
every thing attests
to shocking beauty of
all that's in sight.
Dead leaves go painterly
in drifts of color we
can't help but rhapsodize
with all our might.
Is it this Mood that makes
dead things a scene that wakes
feelings of majesty,
awe and delight?
Or does that fickle Mood
form in our solitude [fickle]
born out of happenstance
when the scene's right?
(Sorry about the loss of rhyme here
)Best, Knot