12-16-2017, 10:36 AM
I think the revisions provide a nice poem. Only concerns I have are regarding time. If you could carry the reader along with you through a sense of time, I think that would tie the stanzas together nicely. As it is, the poem confuses me a bit in terms of when things are happening. Is this poem taking place in the moment during contemplation? You hint at and use some time-related words, and I'd like to see those strengthened a bit or possibly tied together somehow to add another dimension to this writing.