12-16-2017, 01:23 AM
Hi flowerburgers.
Enjoyed being baffled by this.
I liked the contradiction of discursiveness
and repetitions, the easy, rambling,
conversational style. Having got to the end
I immediately started again.
The only significant issue I have with it is the first stanza.
(And, to be honest, the title.)
While there are some really good sonics (the hiss of the pacific)
and images (riding...down windless streets),
I don't find it very engaging. 'long gape' seems (comparatively)
poor. Particularly when contrasted with S2 L6 & S5 L1
Bearing 'baffled' in mind, I wonder if you considered cutting the first
line completely, and transposing the remainder to the end?
S2 L1 would make for a stronger, and more interesting start, I think.
In Montreal, in the long gape
...
of the Pacific, which I called home.
I passed a summer, friendless,
riding my bike down windless streets.
The only secrets I could keep
were my own.
(The 'own'/'home' rhyme is slightly intrusive)
I don’t remember Montreal.
I like all of this stanza, especially the last two lines.
I think I must have liked the heat.
Wouldn't mind a slight variation here;
Yes, I must have liked the heat ?
I must have imagined
Do you need this 'I' ?
that something would come
of all that blue.
either 'from all...'
or 'out of...' ?
...
I rode my bike down old hills.
I sold my bike in winter
and went home.
I really love these last three lines.
And if you wanted to add just a little
more descriptive detail...
In San Francisco, in the thin coil
of my twenties, I memorized
the names of streets. The litany of names
do you need 'of names'?
A litany that made me feel... ?
made me feel armed. I kept the names
('made me feel armed' seems slightly odd)
in a notebook. How else to know a place?
...
couldn’t fix that. The pills I took,
the right ones, made me forget sadness,
so I gave it up. To someone else, a city
'forget sadness, so I gave it up'
very nice
is a different city. I was lucky to forget
a city is a different city? Got lost here.
(Either too deep, or way too shallow)
what memory said.
People with problems
remember. I remembered better
than anyone without
a problem, the rip of wind
in my childhood, the hiss
of the Pacific, which I called home.
I passed a summer, friendless,
riding my bike down windless streets.
The only secrets I could keep
were my own.
Best, Knot.
Enjoyed being baffled by this.
I liked the contradiction of discursiveness
and repetitions, the easy, rambling,
conversational style. Having got to the end
I immediately started again.
The only significant issue I have with it is the first stanza.
(And, to be honest, the title.)
While there are some really good sonics (the hiss of the pacific)
and images (riding...down windless streets),
I don't find it very engaging. 'long gape' seems (comparatively)
poor. Particularly when contrasted with S2 L6 & S5 L1
Bearing 'baffled' in mind, I wonder if you considered cutting the first
line completely, and transposing the remainder to the end?
S2 L1 would make for a stronger, and more interesting start, I think.
In Montreal, in the long gape
...
of the Pacific, which I called home.
I passed a summer, friendless,
riding my bike down windless streets.
The only secrets I could keep
were my own.
(The 'own'/'home' rhyme is slightly intrusive)
I don’t remember Montreal.
I like all of this stanza, especially the last two lines.
I think I must have liked the heat.
Wouldn't mind a slight variation here;
Yes, I must have liked the heat ?
I must have imagined
Do you need this 'I' ?
that something would come
of all that blue.
either 'from all...'
or 'out of...' ?
...
I rode my bike down old hills.
I sold my bike in winter
and went home.
I really love these last three lines.
And if you wanted to add just a little
more descriptive detail...
In San Francisco, in the thin coil
of my twenties, I memorized
the names of streets. The litany of names
do you need 'of names'?
A litany that made me feel... ?
made me feel armed. I kept the names
('made me feel armed' seems slightly odd)
in a notebook. How else to know a place?
...
couldn’t fix that. The pills I took,
the right ones, made me forget sadness,
so I gave it up. To someone else, a city
'forget sadness, so I gave it up'
very nice
is a different city. I was lucky to forget
a city is a different city? Got lost here.
(Either too deep, or way too shallow)
what memory said.
People with problems
remember. I remembered better
than anyone without
a problem, the rip of wind
in my childhood, the hiss
of the Pacific, which I called home.
I passed a summer, friendless,
riding my bike down windless streets.
The only secrets I could keep
were my own.
Best, Knot.