12-15-2017, 03:55 PM
I'm intrigued by the opening of this poem. It is a very inviting stanza and indicates to me that you will take me on a journey into your psyche, accompanied by entertaining meter and imagery.
Were the opening lines of this poem something that came to you and inspired the rest of the poem, or was it this 'mood' that inspired you to write?...Just curious.
I question the choice of using "painterly" in the first line of the second stanza. I think the word is appropriate in terms of its definition, but it doesn't settle well with me on an aural level (even though it rhymes). While I cannot come up with a better idea, perhaps the first two lines of the second stanza can be reworded, but keep the same image that I find to be very enjoyable because of the motion it adds to the poem. I definitely hope you keep this image in your poem. Without the image of the leaves, it would just be a still scene. While the text deals with death, I like the juxtaposition of motion and stillness.
As an experiment, try putting this poem into a strict form (perhaps a villanelle?). It might stretch your brain to come up with some really musical lines, as well as pull out details that may make this poem less abstract.
Were the opening lines of this poem something that came to you and inspired the rest of the poem, or was it this 'mood' that inspired you to write?...Just curious.
I question the choice of using "painterly" in the first line of the second stanza. I think the word is appropriate in terms of its definition, but it doesn't settle well with me on an aural level (even though it rhymes). While I cannot come up with a better idea, perhaps the first two lines of the second stanza can be reworded, but keep the same image that I find to be very enjoyable because of the motion it adds to the poem. I definitely hope you keep this image in your poem. Without the image of the leaves, it would just be a still scene. While the text deals with death, I like the juxtaposition of motion and stillness.
As an experiment, try putting this poem into a strict form (perhaps a villanelle?). It might stretch your brain to come up with some really musical lines, as well as pull out details that may make this poem less abstract.