12-15-2017, 03:11 AM
Hi Dukealien,
There were some nice images in this piece—“dead leaves go painterly / in drifts of color” in particular jumped out at me—and, though the meter felt off in places, I loved the cadence of the sight/might rhyme. That said, I felt that this poem was weighed down by abstraction. I’m not sure what “the mood” refers to, and of course that’s central to the piece. “Shocking beauty” is supported by “shows”—the aforementioned image of dead leaves—but “majesty, awe, and delight” are left to stand alone, without concrete images to make the adjectives ring true.
I’m not an expert on meter—to the contrary, I struggle with it—but you might consider scanning your poem to map out the meter as you approach revisions? The cadence, as I mentioned above, felt off in places.
Good luck!
There were some nice images in this piece—“dead leaves go painterly / in drifts of color” in particular jumped out at me—and, though the meter felt off in places, I loved the cadence of the sight/might rhyme. That said, I felt that this poem was weighed down by abstraction. I’m not sure what “the mood” refers to, and of course that’s central to the piece. “Shocking beauty” is supported by “shows”—the aforementioned image of dead leaves—but “majesty, awe, and delight” are left to stand alone, without concrete images to make the adjectives ring true.
I’m not an expert on meter—to the contrary, I struggle with it—but you might consider scanning your poem to map out the meter as you approach revisions? The cadence, as I mentioned above, felt off in places.
Good luck!