12-13-2017, 06:02 PM
Very nice. The poem is quite descriptive, very visual. I have two suggestions.
The first is meter: while you may not like it, when reading a poem out loud, a meter and rhythm gives it extra punch. That is just my opinion though.
The second is consistancy: try to have every line relate to the first in some way. I you are using lots of visuals, they should be similar and frequent. An easy way to do this would be puns, eg: through cold nights I gaze at the sky and remember the starlight that's in your eyes. Not every line has to be like that, but sprinkling it in helps.
The first is meter: while you may not like it, when reading a poem out loud, a meter and rhythm gives it extra punch. That is just my opinion though.
The second is consistancy: try to have every line relate to the first in some way. I you are using lots of visuals, they should be similar and frequent. An easy way to do this would be puns, eg: through cold nights I gaze at the sky and remember the starlight that's in your eyes. Not every line has to be like that, but sprinkling it in helps.