If I don't then no one else will
#12
(12-10-2017, 07:48 PM)Busker Wrote:  I don’t understand the title either
Perhaps the difficulty is that socks can't read

(11-24-2017, 04:12 AM)Keith Wrote:  Absorbed by sharp morning rain,
stood layered on a rug's clear stain,
silent shops pipe dead refrains,
I elevate and screech my name.
Keith, I'm not feeling this primarily because of the unevenness, and some missing articles.  Who/ what is absorbed?  The narrator's attention?  Or the N her/himself?  Or the shops?  And I'm not convinced "sharp" is doing enough work, image-wise.

Now that I think about it, it's only really the first line that's letting it down.  Changing that would probably bring the rest into focus.  I do really like the third line, and think I'd like the last one if it didn't make me think a bit too much of an owl.  Or maybe that's the point.
It could be worse
Reply


Messages In This Thread
If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 11-24-2017, 04:12 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Richard - 11-24-2017, 12:10 PM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 11-29-2017, 04:01 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by nibbed - 11-29-2017, 07:03 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 11-29-2017, 09:48 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 12-05-2017, 06:18 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by busker - 12-10-2017, 07:48 PM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 12-10-2017, 09:41 PM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Leanne - 12-11-2017, 04:33 AM
RE: If I don't then no one else will - by Keith - 12-11-2017, 10:18 PM



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!