01-11-2010, 03:33 PM
I really love the last line.
Reading through the poem felt like I couldn't breathe. Claustrophobic. I guess it was all the imagery knocking into one another in a stream, each line had an image so bold it they tugged at you this way or that without room to linger. But I'm guessing that's the point. I don't enjoy it, as a reader, but since I figured the poem's intent is to really make me feel uneasy then it makes for a very interesting read.
You seemed to use "..." a lot in your poem, particularly in the last stanza. To me it kind of makes the lines just an eensy bit stilted and I'm not sure what they're for. Of course, I'm not the expert, so if you think you think they work then by all means keep them. I don't think they really detract from the poem.
Reading through the poem felt like I couldn't breathe. Claustrophobic. I guess it was all the imagery knocking into one another in a stream, each line had an image so bold it they tugged at you this way or that without room to linger. But I'm guessing that's the point. I don't enjoy it, as a reader, but since I figured the poem's intent is to really make me feel uneasy then it makes for a very interesting read.
You seemed to use "..." a lot in your poem, particularly in the last stanza. To me it kind of makes the lines just an eensy bit stilted and I'm not sure what they're for. Of course, I'm not the expert, so if you think you think they work then by all means keep them. I don't think they really detract from the poem.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?