12-08-2017, 10:03 PM
realise i'm a wee bit late here but what the heck
Constellations
The night above, dark and deep,
constellations bring you a moment of peace.
(little uneven love, you've got 6 syllables in the first line, then 11 in the next - it's a little odd like that.... also a moment of peace is yawnish - maybe 'constellations bring you the celestial/cosmic/consecration, and dark and deep is snorey - perhaps 'embellished/studded/sequined/blinged')
The city lights make you dream,
beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.
(zzzz city lights - 'boulevarde brightness/ street spotlights/ jungle lanterns'? 'beyond the boundaries 'sigh 'outside the existing/far from formalised/afar from the ordinary'? 'life you seek' snorealot 'imagined eden/pictured paradise/ le joi de vivre'?)
Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain.
The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain.
(beautiful mind is going to remind everyone of schizophrenia- dreaming/fantasies/fiction/wish-fullness' zzz distant place - 'shangri-la/ zion/avalon/utopia/elysium)
The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
(future for u to see - zzzz the spell will alight/the prophecy will fulfill/the hope will be heavensent'?)
You're done thinking. Your mind is full.
The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.
(u may get away with dark and deep night here, but i'd only stick it once)
not bad but could do with less of yesterdays leftovers and a bit of sprinkles of somefing salty and spicy cheers for the view thru ur telescope)
Constellations
The night above, dark and deep,
constellations bring you a moment of peace.
(little uneven love, you've got 6 syllables in the first line, then 11 in the next - it's a little odd like that.... also a moment of peace is yawnish - maybe 'constellations bring you the celestial/cosmic/consecration, and dark and deep is snorey - perhaps 'embellished/studded/sequined/blinged')
The city lights make you dream,
beyond the boundaries is a life you seek.
(zzzz city lights - 'boulevarde brightness/ street spotlights/ jungle lanterns'? 'beyond the boundaries 'sigh 'outside the existing/far from formalised/afar from the ordinary'? 'life you seek' snorealot 'imagined eden/pictured paradise/ le joi de vivre'?)
Your beautiful mind takes you further away,
to a distant place you can't explain.
The good, the bad, the sunshine, the rain.
(beautiful mind is going to remind everyone of schizophrenia- dreaming/fantasies/fiction/wish-fullness' zzz distant place - 'shangri-la/ zion/avalon/utopia/elysium)
The future is for you to see,
you'll have what you want, all that you need.
(future for u to see - zzzz the spell will alight/the prophecy will fulfill/the hope will be heavensent'?)
You're done thinking. Your mind is full.
The dark and deep night above,
there is no sorrow, it's everything you love.
(u may get away with dark and deep night here, but i'd only stick it once)
not bad but could do with less of yesterdays leftovers and a bit of sprinkles of somefing salty and spicy cheers for the view thru ur telescope)
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com