Purdah

Purdah

~~QDeathstar~~ Offline

Sharpshooter

Posts: 417
Threads: 40
Joined: May 2014

#19

12-08-2017, 09:30 AM

The new first stanza is a major improvement. It reinforces and clarifies the poem. I think by merging the two stanzas as you did in the edit you loose some of the violence and brutality.

Quote:Don't wait to ask, I
invited you in with downcast eyes
and you heard me beg
through lips swollen shut with
truth-coloured candy stitches

really paints a picture that the edit lacks.

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Messages In This Thread

Purdah - by Leanne - 12-05-2017, 12:23 PM

RE: Purdah - by Wjames - 12-05-2017, 12:57 PM

RE: Purdah - by Knot - 12-05-2017, 11:25 PM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-06-2017, 03:54 AM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-06-2017, 04:04 AM

RE: Purdah - by Mopkins - 12-06-2017, 11:30 AM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-06-2017, 12:01 PM

RE: Purdah - by QDeathstar - 12-06-2017, 12:35 PM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-06-2017, 02:33 PM

RE: Purdah - by Knot - 12-06-2017, 11:12 PM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-07-2017, 04:38 AM

RE: Purdah - by Knot - 12-07-2017, 10:05 PM

RE: Purdah - by QDeathstar - 12-07-2017, 10:50 PM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-08-2017, 04:31 AM

RE: Purdah - by QDeathstar - 12-08-2017, 04:36 AM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-08-2017, 04:44 AM

RE: Purdah - by vagabond - 12-08-2017, 05:33 AM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-08-2017, 05:37 AM

RE: Purdah - by QDeathstar - 12-08-2017, 09:30 AM

RE: Purdah - by Leanne - 12-08-2017, 10:01 AM

RE: Purdah - by Knot - 12-08-2017, 11:53 PM

RE: Purdah - by vagabond - 01-18-2018, 05:01 AM

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