12-05-2017, 07:24 AM
Your pieces are usually read at a somewhat furious pace. At least by me. And I like that. So I am frustrated by some of the commas, which I think are unnecessary speed bumps. I will highlight some...
(12-02-2017, 07:41 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: Catoptric
Twilight ambles in and bears a window across its semi-naked body. Pierre’s faceless monotone mood escapes through the gaps in the bathroom door, and Mary feels the sickening thump of yesterday’s absinthe beating her head to a pulp.
—Monsieur, please wake up. Monsieur, the doors are being locked and you must leave,(needed?) right away. You cannot stay here,(needed?) anymore. The doors are being locked.
Stretched out on his back,(needed?) on the floor, Pierre summons a god-awful moan from the pit of his stomach,(needed?) and pries his eye wide open with his thumb and forefinger; cutting through the waiter with a blank pinhole stare.
—We’re forever on the floor, my lords, ladies, and gentleman’s toilet. Vomit flows into piss through the valleys of the joins. And we’re always on the floor, my table of a waiter of a lover-man, mine.