12-05-2017, 06:53 AM
I like opening lines.
And i like last lines too. Good use of word play.
When you read poem as a whole, you can feel the sense of power, vibration, the might of being, etc.
But upon closer inspection many stanzas lack meaning especially that "the onslaught part"
I think you can polish the middle part more. Make them them more coherent. Make them portray something bigger.
The onslaught (of what)(who onslaught you, is it time or inactivity)
Push forward
one step (ok against time right?)
Each moment a lost one
Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become (When i read as a whole i kind of understand it but when i read it separately i dont understand)
The torrent continues (ok torrent=time)
Breathe. Recall the Reason (Now why did you fight in the beginning)
But death, ever present. cutting.
This poem is more of pointillism. I like it though. It kind of vibrate certain kind of strength. Strong.
And i like last lines too. Good use of word play.
When you read poem as a whole, you can feel the sense of power, vibration, the might of being, etc.
But upon closer inspection many stanzas lack meaning especially that "the onslaught part"
I think you can polish the middle part more. Make them them more coherent. Make them portray something bigger.
The onslaught (of what)(who onslaught you, is it time or inactivity)
Push forward
one step (ok against time right?)
Each moment a lost one
Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become (When i read as a whole i kind of understand it but when i read it separately i dont understand)
The torrent continues (ok torrent=time)
Breathe. Recall the Reason (Now why did you fight in the beginning)
But death, ever present. cutting.
This poem is more of pointillism. I like it though. It kind of vibrate certain kind of strength. Strong.