12-04-2017, 09:35 PM
some butterflies that flitted past whilst perusing ur poem
"Push"
Curl up - (hmmm considered 'like ourobus/encircle yourself..' in order to stay consistent to the theme of mortality and its inevitable abuses by our brethren, to whom we submit attempting to rediscover the rhythm of existence)
Protect yourself
Your head ( caps needs conformation here)
Your Heart
your Being -
(pretty happy with the narcissism inherit in this cannibal's dinner simmering away here - you you you)
The onslaught. (needs a tense to clarify when this onslaught blossomed into being, maybe' the onslaught is onmipotent/eternal/timeless/infinite' in keeping with the ineffable big stick god smacks sinners with)
Push forward
one step -
Each moment a lost one -
Nothing to sink into -
Nothing to become -
(maybe needs extra mental pics, like' nothing to ascend into, nothing to sink into, nothing to be, nothing to become')
The torrent continues - (wondering about appropriate use of torrent, most usually interpreted as a under-tow in a rip likely to haul you out to sea to drown alone, or more commonly as downloadable data, consider 'deluge', or 'suffocation/asphyxiation, depravation./degradation, decomposition/decaying/, other words indicative of suffering or suffocation or being the star of your lovers snuff movie)
Breathe. Recall the Reason -
But death, ever present. cutting - (cutting? sounds a bit emo and certifiable tbh, i'd consider other words such as 'creeping' 'crawling', lurking', 'leering', 'fatalistic', 'haunting' 'chasing/pursuing' etc for more vids on the mindscreen)
Each moment a thief (maybe replace 'thief' with 'is taxed'/'is stolen'/'is snatched'/'is debited/decreased/degraded/decayed/decomposed/rotting etc - although the idea of a shiva-type god recycling you illicitly is pretty sinister and lurking)
stealing your soul
steeling your soul -
pretty groovy man, but needs a music video of symbols.metaphors/imagery of some kind to explain the hallucination behind the inspired nihilism the piece perhaps preaches) liked it lots
"Push"
Curl up - (hmmm considered 'like ourobus/encircle yourself..' in order to stay consistent to the theme of mortality and its inevitable abuses by our brethren, to whom we submit attempting to rediscover the rhythm of existence)
Protect yourself
Your head ( caps needs conformation here)
Your Heart
your Being -
(pretty happy with the narcissism inherit in this cannibal's dinner simmering away here - you you you)
The onslaught. (needs a tense to clarify when this onslaught blossomed into being, maybe' the onslaught is onmipotent/eternal/timeless/infinite' in keeping with the ineffable big stick god smacks sinners with)
Push forward
one step -
Each moment a lost one -
Nothing to sink into -
Nothing to become -
(maybe needs extra mental pics, like' nothing to ascend into, nothing to sink into, nothing to be, nothing to become')
The torrent continues - (wondering about appropriate use of torrent, most usually interpreted as a under-tow in a rip likely to haul you out to sea to drown alone, or more commonly as downloadable data, consider 'deluge', or 'suffocation/asphyxiation, depravation./degradation, decomposition/decaying/, other words indicative of suffering or suffocation or being the star of your lovers snuff movie)
Breathe. Recall the Reason -
But death, ever present. cutting - (cutting? sounds a bit emo and certifiable tbh, i'd consider other words such as 'creeping' 'crawling', lurking', 'leering', 'fatalistic', 'haunting' 'chasing/pursuing' etc for more vids on the mindscreen)
Each moment a thief (maybe replace 'thief' with 'is taxed'/'is stolen'/'is snatched'/'is debited/decreased/degraded/decayed/decomposed/rotting etc - although the idea of a shiva-type god recycling you illicitly is pretty sinister and lurking)
stealing your soul
steeling your soul -
pretty groovy man, but needs a music video of symbols.metaphors/imagery of some kind to explain the hallucination behind the inspired nihilism the piece perhaps preaches) liked it lots
My Muse, to labour chained
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com
demure, pure, restrained
may yet escape -
i'll grab his cape
and hitch-hike to new planes
mehopkins1971.wordpress.com