11-30-2017, 08:03 PM
Push
Curl up
Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being
(I like how you've structured the beginning, this creates a strong structure as you've used the repetition of 'your' to build that shape.)
The onslaught (your technique here seems to be getting more for less, you've narrowed the possibilities of the piece, setting the stage for a strong finish which I will get into later.)
Push forward
one step
(same as before)
Each moment a lost one
(powerful use of lost, your syntax is so far thrilling to read, why? I think it's due to the way you have structured it using less words for a more sinister effect)
Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become
The torrent continues
Breathe. Recall the Reason
(powerful and precise)
But death, ever present. cutting
(I like the use of cutting, which is an action a thief would be well versed in.)
Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul
(like previously stated, finished off with effective imagery, I like the play on words here, the entire piece is very well structured it's beyond my knowledge how to improve it, I just felt like giving praise where it was due, I read it a few times, and you've written a good poem with subtlety and flavour.)
Curl up
Protect yourself
Your head
Your Heart
your Being
(I like how you've structured the beginning, this creates a strong structure as you've used the repetition of 'your' to build that shape.)
The onslaught (your technique here seems to be getting more for less, you've narrowed the possibilities of the piece, setting the stage for a strong finish which I will get into later.)
Push forward
one step
(same as before)
Each moment a lost one
(powerful use of lost, your syntax is so far thrilling to read, why? I think it's due to the way you have structured it using less words for a more sinister effect)
Nothing to sink into
Nothing to become
The torrent continues
Breathe. Recall the Reason
(powerful and precise)
But death, ever present. cutting
(I like the use of cutting, which is an action a thief would be well versed in.)
Each moment a thief
stealing your soul
steeling your soul
(like previously stated, finished off with effective imagery, I like the play on words here, the entire piece is very well structured it's beyond my knowledge how to improve it, I just felt like giving praise where it was due, I read it a few times, and you've written a good poem with subtlety and flavour.)