11-30-2017, 06:57 AM
(01-30-2017, 08:19 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
I wasn’t sure I'd remember the house,
an old photograph was all I had;
self-seeded plants softened the cracks
but the driveway was still black and white.
Arthur’s shape opened the door
his face gouged like sculptors clay,
thin lines stretched over cheek bones
thumbed deep into eye sockets.
The meniscus of old age had bottled his vision
but he still carried a whiskey gruffness
that reminded me of forgotten songs
and pearl inlays.
Pyjamas protruded under his clothes
as he moved towards his chair
touching each ledge like a child learning to walk;
stroke is such a gentle word. gentle.. hmm, i´d say stroke is not a gentle word , it sounds like "bang, it´s over".. but doesn´t specify the strains and restrictions that come afterwards.
The room had held onto its memory,
Margaret and Jimmy i think you could put "smiling" next to margaret and jimmy here.
smiling behind a layer of dust
worn out and worn down,
family and furniture held in echoes. "held" is repeated, maybe "are echoing".. though that would probably be too much "ing".
He spoke in bursts, bending each exhaled breath
to make the sounds. i think you could leave that line out.
he told me how much he missed my mother. "of how much he missed my mother"? to avoid second "He"
“She
wath
mi
baby
sithter ”
I know I said and took his hand.
His old Jack Russell
lifted its head to sniff the air.
“Heths
fuckin
farthted
again”
I know I said,
and let go of his hand. this line is a punch. after making me smile with the old "it was the dog"-joke.. it suddenly turns into a mirror and made me think.. did i (imagining myself the subject as i read it) let go because of unsavoury issues.. and arthur has a need to hide them. people tend to retreat when they get disabilities and issues like incontinence. tons of gorgeous jokes exist on that, and as someone once told me, laughter is useful to alleviate fear.
...