11-30-2017, 12:18 AM
Hey Tiger the Lion
Like the idea, tone and a lot of the images, but I don't think it is narratively coherent.
Some thoughts below, hope they are of some use.
Best, Knot.
November Sun
Good title, but I don't think it does enough for the piece (as it is)
Here, where the calendar begins to burn
Why 'here' rather than 'now'?
'Calendar' as a synonym for season (I assume) doesn't really work for me.
Though burning account books is certainly interesting.
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
'jilted' and 'broken-hearted' seem too similar (and neither adds to the other)
rhythmically I'd suggest
and all green jilted broken hearts bleed out
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
the out/doubt rhyme disrupts the flow (at least when spoken aloud)
and overwhelms the burn/turn rhyme. Just a suggestion
(for changing the position of 'doubt' in the sentence)
one doubts that far off spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
very nice couplet (though 'strewn' is not the most melodic/sonically pleasing word)
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
Who bends their backs? The first four lines were about leaves.
as if aloof, will every time retreat
'as if aloof' is rather weak, she is or she isn't.
(Why not something like; with great disdain?)
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
No idea what 'too south' means.
But now November, where a change of wind
Why 'now' rather than some modifier that better describes November?
And, if 'now November', when were we at the start?
'a change of wind' seems oddly constructed (and rather intestinal)
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
seems a bit of a leap from 'aloof' to 'sinned'
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
'sweet persistence' is very good
to boldly appeal for another chance—
'to boldly' anything immediately sends me to Star Trek, can't help it.
Would suggest
to make bold appeal for another chance
Not too sure about 'bold' after 'sweet'
We cannot make winter of such romance.
The last line doesn't seem to follow from the preceding.
She's appealing for another chance not to do something?
(Surely she's asking
That we make of winter a fine romance?)
Or is the last line another voice denying the request?
Like the idea, tone and a lot of the images, but I don't think it is narratively coherent.
Some thoughts below, hope they are of some use.
Best, Knot.
November Sun
Good title, but I don't think it does enough for the piece (as it is)
Here, where the calendar begins to burn
Why 'here' rather than 'now'?
'Calendar' as a synonym for season (I assume) doesn't really work for me.
Though burning account books is certainly interesting.
and jilted green, broken-hearted, bleeds out,
'jilted' and 'broken-hearted' seem too similar (and neither adds to the other)
rhythmically I'd suggest
and all green jilted broken hearts bleed out
it's fair to doubt that spring will ever turn
the out/doubt rhyme disrupts the flow (at least when spoken aloud)
and overwhelms the burn/turn rhyme. Just a suggestion
(for changing the position of 'doubt' in the sentence)
one doubts that far off spring will ever turn
a leaf so lovely as these strewn about.
very nice couplet (though 'strewn' is not the most melodic/sonically pleasing word)
They bend their backs to bow to her, and she,
Who bends their backs? The first four lines were about leaves.
as if aloof, will every time retreat
'as if aloof' is rather weak, she is or she isn't.
(Why not something like; with great disdain?)
too south to hang a hope upon a tree;
too south to feel her faint but steady beat.
No idea what 'too south' means.
But now November, where a change of wind
Why 'now' rather than some modifier that better describes November?
And, if 'now November', when were we at the start?
'a change of wind' seems oddly constructed (and rather intestinal)
gives warm reprieve from the chilling distance—
she proudly beams as though she'd never sinned
seems a bit of a leap from 'aloof' to 'sinned'
and returns with such a sweet persistence,
'sweet persistence' is very good
to boldly appeal for another chance—
'to boldly' anything immediately sends me to Star Trek, can't help it.
Would suggest
to make bold appeal for another chance
Not too sure about 'bold' after 'sweet'
We cannot make winter of such romance.
The last line doesn't seem to follow from the preceding.
She's appealing for another chance not to do something?
(Surely she's asking
That we make of winter a fine romance?)
Or is the last line another voice denying the request?