11-24-2017, 11:25 PM
Hey Alex,
moving in the right direction, keep going!
Still not convinced that this is the best start.
Sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly
leaves and pine needles are scattered
in shapes of
dragon footprints.
In an earlier reply you said that 'dragon footprints' were not metaphor.
The problem with this lies in your employing 'in shapes' - it is ambiguous.
Your could try something like 'overflowing from', which would suggest some
physical feature of the footprints.
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry across knobby boughs of gold
'scurry' is still weak/clichéd, scamper might be slightly better.
'knobbly' is a nice addition.
Is the Golden Bough reference intentional? Either way, nice.
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
'oaken monotone', excellent, (perhaps 'cease' rather than 'stop'?)
Some respond with laughter through
what kind of 'laughter'? (Merry/scornful?)
bulbous cheeks to end up choking.
Probably should be 'and end up choking'
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Perhaps 'simply' for 'just', 'in' for 'into'.
But I don't think that this line is really doing enough
(Could try, '...sigh, resigned, in the breeze')
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out burrows big as pumpkins,
needs more detail here, I think.
What are they doing.
Why are they hopping in and out?
( Perhaps make the pumpkins 'giant' otherwise their height
would be measured in inches rather than feet.)
by the road
where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback, they look
to talk to anything within sight.
surely 'anyone' rather than 'anything'.
Like the idea, but you could still add more
in terms of the knight's motivation.
Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about.
Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me!
Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu...
this speech works, but needs a more defined context.
The burrow-dwellers waddle on, indifferent.
Weak ending, I think. (if they are indifferent, then so might the reader be)
About a mile from those woods,
Good detail, though perhaps find a measure of distance
more appropriate to the setting (furlong/league/etc).
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
It seemed the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
Don't think this line works at all. Is it a description of the sky,
or something the stars did? Why does 'it seem'?
I think you might be better identifying the geography
of where the ochre mountains are.
(In the far north/near the Orange Sea/etc...the stars stumbled...')
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing
Perhaps sniggering/snickering to avoid repeating 'laughing'
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
Don't quite see how this verse follows from the previous.
(You go from night to 'through the sun's ascent')
I was in my room,
drawing pictures of you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's ascent, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
(Suggested reworking of final verse)
I was in my room, drawing
pictures of you, throughout the sun's ascent,
From my desk, I heard the buzzing
noise that sounded like a lawnmower
cutting grass.
Best, Knot.
moving in the right direction, keep going!
Still not convinced that this is the best start.
Sweetgum balls, acorns, crinkly
leaves and pine needles are scattered
in shapes of
dragon footprints.
In an earlier reply you said that 'dragon footprints' were not metaphor.
The problem with this lies in your employing 'in shapes' - it is ambiguous.
Your could try something like 'overflowing from', which would suggest some
physical feature of the footprints.
There, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
squirrels scurry across knobby boughs of gold
'scurry' is still weak/clichéd, scamper might be slightly better.
'knobbly' is a nice addition.
Is the Golden Bough reference intentional? Either way, nice.
and ignore oaken monotone requests to stop.
'oaken monotone', excellent, (perhaps 'cease' rather than 'stop'?)
Some respond with laughter through
what kind of 'laughter'? (Merry/scornful?)
bulbous cheeks to end up choking.
Probably should be 'and end up choking'
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
Perhaps 'simply' for 'just', 'in' for 'into'.
But I don't think that this line is really doing enough
(Could try, '...sigh, resigned, in the breeze')
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out burrows big as pumpkins,
needs more detail here, I think.
What are they doing.
Why are they hopping in and out?
( Perhaps make the pumpkins 'giant' otherwise their height
would be measured in inches rather than feet.)
by the road
where mounted phantom knights roam around.
Cracking jokes on horseback, they look
to talk to anything within sight.
surely 'anyone' rather than 'anything'.
Like the idea, but you could still add more
in terms of the knight's motivation.
Ah, our fellow gnomes are out and about.
Hello! Hel- hello good sir! Excuse me!
Sir! How does your morning fare? Excu...
this speech works, but needs a more defined context.
The burrow-dwellers waddle on, indifferent.
Weak ending, I think. (if they are indifferent, then so might the reader be)
About a mile from those woods,
Good detail, though perhaps find a measure of distance
more appropriate to the setting (furlong/league/etc).
bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, would ask
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and feed them cool leftover okra stew—
made with everything sown beneath the sun
and a never-setting harvest moon.
It seemed the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
Don't think this line works at all. Is it a description of the sky,
or something the stars did? Why does 'it seem'?
I think you might be better identifying the geography
of where the ochre mountains are.
(In the far north/near the Orange Sea/etc...the stars stumbled...')
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing
Perhaps sniggering/snickering to avoid repeating 'laughing'
where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming with the night's festivities.
Don't quite see how this verse follows from the previous.
(You go from night to 'through the sun's ascent')
I was in my room,
drawing pictures of you. From my desk,
throughout the sun's ascent, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
(Suggested reworking of final verse)
I was in my room, drawing
pictures of you, throughout the sun's ascent,
From my desk, I heard the buzzing
noise that sounded like a lawnmower
cutting grass.
Best, Knot.