11-24-2017, 06:38 PM
calendar days
it´s hard to celebrate today, (possibly punctuation different at end of line... ie semicolon or dash for a longer pause)
when yesterday,
it has not even happened yet. (hmmm like always tomorrow in australia or such ...maybe ...'yesterday, today has not even'.... to clarify ur talking about the day, not the wild piss-up with your bestie)
the pretty clouds are paralyzed (sp - paralysed)
and cast in sky (neat alliteration here and pleasing paralysation and resultant plaster cast)
to form the storm that never comes (OOOOOH noice ooooohs)
into our little house, so safe
i want to tear away. (capital I????)
the calendar was struck by lightning long ago,
its pattern burned among the numbers, (perhaps...'the bolt burned among' for a bit of alliteration?)
shimmering through with each leaf ripped. (surely lightening burns calender pages, doesn't rip em possibly delete 'with' and replace 'leaf ripped' with 'ashen page'? so 'shimmering through each ashen page')
its voltage seems to tickle skin, ('charge' to replace 'voltage' may be more alliterative with this and following two lines)
my features turn mechanical,
awaiting current.
you say look,
the sky is green
today.
a little emo and a bit pychadelic at the end, bad trip man etc.... sounds a bit like suburban yawnville, but related and enjoyed
cheers for the read
it´s hard to celebrate today, (possibly punctuation different at end of line... ie semicolon or dash for a longer pause)
when yesterday,
it has not even happened yet. (hmmm like always tomorrow in australia or such ...maybe ...'yesterday, today has not even'.... to clarify ur talking about the day, not the wild piss-up with your bestie)
the pretty clouds are paralyzed (sp - paralysed)
and cast in sky (neat alliteration here and pleasing paralysation and resultant plaster cast)
to form the storm that never comes (OOOOOH noice ooooohs)
into our little house, so safe
i want to tear away. (capital I????)
the calendar was struck by lightning long ago,
its pattern burned among the numbers, (perhaps...'the bolt burned among' for a bit of alliteration?)
shimmering through with each leaf ripped. (surely lightening burns calender pages, doesn't rip em possibly delete 'with' and replace 'leaf ripped' with 'ashen page'? so 'shimmering through each ashen page')
its voltage seems to tickle skin, ('charge' to replace 'voltage' may be more alliterative with this and following two lines)
my features turn mechanical,
awaiting current.
you say look,
the sky is green
today.
a little emo and a bit pychadelic at the end, bad trip man etc.... sounds a bit like suburban yawnville, but related and enjoyed
cheers for the read