A Tale of Two Choices

[Persadia]

This reads a little rough. I would ditch all of the single line stanzas. They are all a bit too showy, they tell me what the poem means but they don't show it. When i read "the life sacrificed, mine" it makes me vomit in a "oh please" kind of way.

The second major stanza is superior to the first. I would suggest chrystalizng the images in the first, and taking them to their worst-case examples so the contrast between the first and second stanza is more pronounced.


A tale of two choices is interesting as a title,  but you havnt made any real allusion to transformation in the poem so it's difficult to say it is alluding to "A Tale Of Two Cities" in any way but in the title.

I might would also stick with the animal imagery throughout the poem, but perhaps not start with dog as they don't necessarily have a strong negative connotation, but depending on your wording you could make it work.

Hi QDeathstar,
Thank you for the compliment to the second stanza.  I tried to use descriptors to convey a rich, welcoming environment.
I find your comment about the dogs as imagery interesting, as I hadn't thought about it on a conscious level, though it can serve to convey a more animalistic, chaotic (if you will) approach to life.
The entire poem is an allusion to Tale of Two Cities, really, so I gave the title to clue the reader in to that.
Oppressor referring to the french government oppressing the people, and fear is the oppressor in that way, as in life.
The sacrifice of a life, and the choices to be made also allusions to Tale of Two Cities, as are the contrast between the two "cities" (the scenarios I describe) as the choices we can make in life.
I took your suggestion and offered that line as a question for the reader to consider.

Thanks again for the feedback.

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Hi, Persadia

I'm glad you wrote a poem about this. Weird I have been thinking a lot about an illustration I saw where a fella is riding in a train and when looking out one side of the train's windows, it was gloomy and sad. The bloke's face was sagging and depressed. Then it showed him looking out the other side of the train, the sun was shining, green leaves, birds, and rivers flowing. His face was bright and beaming in smiles. That's what your poem reminded me of, which side of the train do we want to sit on/look out?   

Open the door, room crammed with furniture                                            -opening the door, the room is crammed with furniture                  
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond                                -people pack in,
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture                  -on and off
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
 
The oppressor, fear.                                                                                   -can these next two lines form a couplet?
 
The life sacrificed, mine.
 
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.                                              -two warms?     
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.                                  -plural on conversation might fit better
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
 
The choice is mine.


Looking forward to seeing where you go with this clever poem that has a great potential to also serve as a helpful blessing to others.


-nibbed

Hi Nibbed,
Thanks for the feedback; I really appreciate that you understood the underlying message.
I took some of your suggestions, combining the two lines and finding other words to replace "warm".  
Thanks again for the encouragement.

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First revision:
Open the door, a room crammed with furniture.
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond.
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on and off furniture.
Voices scolding, arms crossed tight.
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
 
The oppressor, fear.  Do I sacrifice a life?
 
Open the doors, tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Warm smiles, arms spread wide in welcome greetings.  
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light.
Glasses clinking, cozy fire crackling.
Smells of roast beef and fresh baked bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
 
The choice is mine.
 
Original version:

Open the door, room crammed with furniture
People packed in, squirming salmon in a small pond
Large dogs pacing, panting, sniffing, climbing on, off furniture
Scent of turkey and gravy mingle with wet dog and dry dog food.
 
The oppressor, fear.
 
The life sacrificed, mine.
 
Open doors, warm smiles, warm greetings.  
Tables spread out in expansive spaces.
Great windows floor to ceiling let in soft autumn light
Glasses clinking, warm fire crackling.
Gentle laughter, soft music, conversation fill the air.
Smells of roast beef and warm bread fuse with apple cider and scrumptious pecan pies.
 
The choice is mine.

I'm wondering if L6 posed as a question is more effective?
 
I appreciate all the feedback.