11-23-2017, 03:05 AM
Hey alex,
enjoyed this, some excellent images and the (fairy tale) tone seems just right.
That said, I did find it a bit uneven, and I still don't see how you get from the title to the final stanza.
Some thoughts below, hope they're of some use.
Best, Knot.
Sailing to Tawnydale
Among the clutter of sweetgum balls,
pine needles, leaves, and acorns are
a dragon's footprints.
Nice opening, the only thing I think it lacks is a modifier for 'leaves'.
Here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
nice detail.
Do you need 'here'? (though admittedly the line would be one beat short)
squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold,
'scurry' disappoints - can you replace with something that connects to 'twisted'?
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop.
'monotone requests' is nice, but 'trees' is weak (and essentially a repetition) -
I assume they are pine or oak (but it would be nice if they were Alders, if only for the weak pun)
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes; at times they end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
the image works, just, but the execution isn't up to the standard you set with the opening.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone. That changes when
might flow better as 'seldom talking to anyone'?
line break on changes (for a little bit of drama) rather than when?
Is this a deliberately misleading line? Because 'tries to make' suggests that nothing actually changes.
bands of mounted phantom knights who travel
roads, love to joke, and laugh like someone
with a stomach or any organ really, tries to make
conversation with those tiny burrow-dwellers
till they become annoyed.
again, this seems to be a bit weak compared to the start of the stanza.
More 'laugh'-ing (rather than any interesting synonyms). Not sure who becomes annoyed.
Just a suggestion but turn this into two verses. One for the 'gnomes' and the other
for the knights looking for anyone to talk to.
Bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
'occasionally' seems a bit odd, why not something like 'solicitously'?
does one 'tend' a farm?
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew—
don't think you need 'would'
(Perhaps, given the nature of scarecrows, 'feed them cool...' rather than 'hand'?
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
just for the sonics, perhaps 'sown' rather than 'reaped' ?
and a never-setting harvest moon.
The only thing I think this verse lacks is a sense of where it fits into the 'geography' of the piece.
Are they near the 'grumpy men' or far away? Can they see the forest?
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
bit of an ugly start to this verse. Perhaps'
Where, once, a constellation stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing,
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
laughing/laughter again
Needs a couple more lines I think.
A slightly radical suggestion, perhaps, but, given the title,
I think that this verse would make an excellent start,
and the current opening one should fit in here.
I was in my room,
sketching all about you. From my desk,
sketching all about you is an odd construction I think
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
I'd suggest reordering slightly, as in;
Throughout the [modifier] sun's [ or modifier] climb
I was in my room [dreaming/]sketching
all about you...
enjoyed this, some excellent images and the (fairy tale) tone seems just right.
That said, I did find it a bit uneven, and I still don't see how you get from the title to the final stanza.
Some thoughts below, hope they're of some use.
Best, Knot.
Sailing to Tawnydale
Among the clutter of sweetgum balls,
pine needles, leaves, and acorns are
a dragon's footprints.
Nice opening, the only thing I think it lacks is a modifier for 'leaves'.
Here, the tree sap smells like cinnamon;
nice detail.
Do you need 'here'? (though admittedly the line would be one beat short)
squirrels scurry across twisted boughs of gold,
'scurry' disappoints - can you replace with something that connects to 'twisted'?
ignoring monotone requests from trees to stop.
'monotone requests' is nice, but 'trees' is weak (and essentially a repetition) -
I assume they are pine or oak (but it would be nice if they were Alders, if only for the weak pun)
Some respond in laughter through their cheeks,
plump as grapes; at times they end up choking.
The trees just sigh into the breeze.
the image works, just, but the execution isn't up to the standard you set with the opening.
Tiny grumpy men in pointy red hats hop
in and out of burrows big as pumpkins; they
seldom talk with anyone. That changes when
might flow better as 'seldom talking to anyone'?
line break on changes (for a little bit of drama) rather than when?
Is this a deliberately misleading line? Because 'tries to make' suggests that nothing actually changes.
bands of mounted phantom knights who travel
roads, love to joke, and laugh like someone
with a stomach or any organ really, tries to make
conversation with those tiny burrow-dwellers
till they become annoyed.
again, this seems to be a bit weak compared to the start of the stanza.
More 'laugh'-ing (rather than any interesting synonyms). Not sure who becomes annoyed.
Just a suggestion but turn this into two verses. One for the 'gnomes' and the other
for the knights looking for anyone to talk to.
Bipedal shepherd dogs in overalls who raise
livestock and tend farms, occasionally ask
'occasionally' seems a bit odd, why not something like 'solicitously'?
does one 'tend' a farm?
their scarecrows how they're holding up
and would hand them cool leftover okra stew—
don't think you need 'would'
(Perhaps, given the nature of scarecrows, 'feed them cool...' rather than 'hand'?
made with everything reaped beneath the sun
just for the sonics, perhaps 'sown' rather than 'reaped' ?
and a never-setting harvest moon.
The only thing I think this verse lacks is a sense of where it fits into the 'geography' of the piece.
Are they near the 'grumpy men' or far away? Can they see the forest?
Where the stars stumbled drunk from the sky
bit of an ugly start to this verse. Perhaps'
Where, once, a constellation stumbled drunk from the sky
and fell upon those ochre mountains laughing,
is where the giants drink their kegs of mead,
in taverns booming full of song and laughter.
laughing/laughter again
Needs a couple more lines I think.
A slightly radical suggestion, perhaps, but, given the title,
I think that this verse would make an excellent start,
and the current opening one should fit in here.
I was in my room,
sketching all about you. From my desk,
sketching all about you is an odd construction I think
throughout the sun's climb, I heard
the buzzing noise that sounded like
a lawnmower cutting grass.
I'd suggest reordering slightly, as in;
Throughout the [modifier] sun's [ or modifier] climb
I was in my room [dreaming/]sketching
all about you...