11-22-2017, 11:12 AM
not sure if it fits your intent, but i´d replace the two "should"s in the first stanza with "will" .
maybe write "our boat" instead of "a boat"... because it just seems too obvious to deserve an unspecific "a".
"time bomb" and "nuclear winter" is pretty powerful.. makes me think of a greek myth.
maybe consider writing "but if you´d die i would become a time bomb / its nuclear winter just a fuse away"
" the tissues" following in the next stanza seem almost too mundane. not that i have a good idea what to replace them with (maybe something like a desert soaking up those tears.. aah, cheesy)
"remember the swirl" leads back to the capsized boat. i like how you dissolve the catastrophe (though a cynical part cries ´wishful thinking´ after how dramatic it began).
maybe write "our boat" instead of "a boat"... because it just seems too obvious to deserve an unspecific "a".
"time bomb" and "nuclear winter" is pretty powerful.. makes me think of a greek myth.
maybe consider writing "but if you´d die i would become a time bomb / its nuclear winter just a fuse away"
" the tissues" following in the next stanza seem almost too mundane. not that i have a good idea what to replace them with (maybe something like a desert soaking up those tears.. aah, cheesy)
"remember the swirl" leads back to the capsized boat. i like how you dissolve the catastrophe (though a cynical part cries ´wishful thinking´ after how dramatic it began).
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