smoke signs

[Knot]

clouds left my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
I agree with Keith about the repetition 'left' (though I'd take issue with the first)
So many other ways to describe 'clouds left my mouth'
(from exhaling to billowing - or even, substitute the first 'left' with 'leaving'
- and preserve the 'less breath left'.)
clouds leaving my mouth,
leaving me
with less breath left
to give reply.
I think either 'give' or 'reply' but not both.
Leave a line after 'out'.
(Two five line verses)

this one goes out
into the sky,
grows furtive wings
Don't understand 'furtive' - though (somewhat) clichéd
I'd suggest gossamer or similar
(and perhaps, 'spreads' for 'grows'?)
to be unshaped
and then
to be erased in wind.
Like 'unshaped' (and 'erased...' though not 'in wind');
sonically I'd suggest;
to be unshaped
and erased
[by the] wind


Don't think you can be 'in altitude'.

Enjoyed this, consistent imagery, nice sonics (as Todd said)
and concise.

Best, Knot