Push
#3
(11-14-2017, 10:39 AM)Persadia Wrote:   Push

Curl up

Protect yourself      i think this is just another way to say curl up (and curl up is stronger if not repeated).. am also not sure what the following 3 lines add, especially "Being"
Your head
Your Heart
your Being

The onslaught            which onslaught?

Push forward                when and especially why did the subject get up and decide to push instead of curl up?
one step

Each moment a lost one         

Nothing to sink into            don´t know if "sink into" should mean "be surrounded and protected by something"..  first i thought it meant "nothing to dissolve into" but that would be an illogical statement
Nothing to become                

The torrent continues             ..see onslaught

Breathe.  Recall the Reason                      one tiny example of a reason would suffice to drag me into the poem much more than a capitalized, anonymous Reason.

But death, ever present.  cutting                  you might do more with cutting.. like cutting bit by bit or write slicing (like you slice a loaf of bread.. til it´s gone)

Each moment a thief                  
stealing your soul
steeling your soul                 soul is a vague idea, i think it is not so much affected by time as the body.. not sure about moments being thieves.. the dead don´t get any more moments, so to the living they have the potential to be presents.
.. a wild guess would be that your poem is about purpose, motivation,...  the lack thereof can really in a way "steal your soul" (though maybe it is more like wasting away than being taken away by some outside force)
please don´t mind my notes too much.. i probably often get too extensive and assume too much when doing a crit.
...
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Messages In This Thread
Push - by Persadia - 11-14-2017, 10:39 AM
RE: Push - by Lizzie - 11-14-2017, 10:57 AM
RE: Push - by vagabond - 11-15-2017, 01:13 AM
RE: Push - by alonso ramoran - 11-15-2017, 05:34 AM
RE: Push - by homer1950 - 11-15-2017, 05:42 AM
RE: Push - by bloated_corpse - 11-15-2017, 05:58 AM
RE: Push - by Persadia - 11-16-2017, 01:17 AM
RE: Push - by vagabond - 11-16-2017, 06:32 AM
RE: Push - by Lizzie - 11-16-2017, 02:25 AM
RE: Push - by nibbed - 11-16-2017, 03:33 AM
RE: Push - by tony3 - 11-17-2017, 07:12 AM
RE: Push - by Achebe - 11-17-2017, 09:12 AM
RE: Push - by GVBOY1966 - 11-28-2017, 03:59 PM
RE: Push - by Bloodline - 11-30-2017, 08:03 PM
RE: Push - by Mopkins - 12-04-2017, 09:35 PM
RE: Push - by Psychonyxx - 12-05-2017, 06:53 AM
RE: Push - by Rorf Asalis - 12-16-2017, 03:22 AM
RE: Push - by ritwiksadhu33 - 01-27-2018, 04:18 AM
RE: Push - by therabbitisme - 01-30-2018, 06:35 AM
RE: Push - by gconrad - 02-13-2018, 12:14 AM
RE: Push - by moot - 02-25-2018, 10:39 PM



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