Can't Sleep

[Persadia]

Hey UlrickMasters,

I like what you're trying to do here - portray your heart as trying to tell you what's right for you.  I can feel your struggle as I read the poem.
I do agree with Nibbed and others about shortening the lines - letting a new line take the place of a comma and omitting some of the words - this would make the effect stronger, more dramatic.
Also, yeah, some of the rhyming is to sing-song, like repeating the word "me" at the end of 3 lines in a row.
Personally, I liked the way you ended it with "Rest in peace", as I understood it to mean, "will this heart of mine ever heal?  I don't know, but when my heart stops (hurting, or when I die), I'll get some rest or peace.
Also, I liked the bit of mystery with the bump, bump, bump in the beginning; it made me wonder what the bumps represent - a headboard banging on the other side of the wall, or a hammer nailing a coffin?  Definitely made me want to keep reading.

"Every night I can't sleep, when I try I hear it in my dreams

It wakes me as I listen to the beat

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Why can't I see this isn't for me,
I see you in my dreams, I wake up in sweat,
such a pretty picture isn't always as nice as it seems

(Bump, bump bump, bump)

I hear this beat and I just can't sleep,
why is it my mind knows whats best, 
but this thing inside,
I can't deny, makes me feel like I sold my soul and 
I can no longer hide, everyone can see 
what I lost, the light of my life
and now this beat won't let me sleep

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

Who can help me, who can save me,
can it be anyone or does it have to be the one who cursed me
I feel like I'm lost, and this beat will forever hurt me

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

For some reason I hear this beat and I just can't sleep
I go out into the dark night I run, and run 
as my legs battle in this fight, 
energy below zero hoping I 
can I sleep tonight 
but as I reach

(Bump, bump, bump, bump)

I still can't sleep right, 
what will it take to reverse my fate,
for now it's unknown 
so I'll just wait, 
maybe when the beat stops I can rest in peace."

Something like that.  Play around with it a bit.
~Persadia