11-11-2017, 02:48 AM
I think you could leave a space/line here; and that the piece be structured in four line verses.
Don't know about this. I want the piece to have a loose feel to it.
I think the only time the piece having a loose feel becomes a problem is in the third stanza, which I feel goes on too long.
Still trying to figure out how to solve that.
Just my opinion, but I think you've already got a loose feel anyway, arising from the 'simple' language and the long-ish sentences - what I would call a conversational tone. If nothing else, four lines might serve to help achieve the focus that is lacking in parts of S3 and S4.
True, I'll consider that.
do you need 'seem' here?
I think I do, bc when rereading it, it sounds like I'm making a simile with the wind instead of their calls.
I didn't have a problem following the simile.
I'll think about it. Maybe it could use some rephrasing?
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
I wrote "to whom" because the day, which is the subject here, was personified.
I think my issue is with 'complied', as with 'brine-dripping' it seems out of place. I'd suggest something simpler like 'we did what we were told'
Yes. I'll think of another word in place of complied.
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
People won't know what I'm talking about.
And I don't think anyone called the cartoon that, at least when I was a kid.
I didn't know what you were talking about, but googling Ed, Edd n Eddy led straight to 'the Eds'.
It doesn't sound natural to me. I would never call the show that.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
It feels like I'm leaving stuff out.
You are, but perhaps the reader might fill in the blanks.
Stuff like the complied part-- I'll see what I can fix when separating these last few stanzas into four line verses.
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below...
Well this was the overall point of the poem: the contemplation of memories being dreams as a kid or an actual memory,
then tossing that contemplation out the window. Without this, the poem is just a retelling of an assumed-by-the-audience memory.
I'll toy around with these final stanzas.
To be honest, I didn't get 'tossing that contemplation out the window' at all.
Perhaps you need to anchor the contemplation in a object, for instance, one that might have been collected from the beach?
*Tossing the idea of contemplating the value of the "memory".
My bad, I was a bit vague. I think adding an object at the end of the poem to focus on might be doing too much, maybe to the point it might need to become a separate poem.
Best, Alex.
Don't know about this. I want the piece to have a loose feel to it.
I think the only time the piece having a loose feel becomes a problem is in the third stanza, which I feel goes on too long.
Still trying to figure out how to solve that.
Just my opinion, but I think you've already got a loose feel anyway, arising from the 'simple' language and the long-ish sentences - what I would call a conversational tone. If nothing else, four lines might serve to help achieve the focus that is lacking in parts of S3 and S4.
True, I'll consider that.
do you need 'seem' here?
I think I do, bc when rereading it, it sounds like I'm making a simile with the wind instead of their calls.
I didn't have a problem following the simile.
I'll think about it. Maybe it could use some rephrasing?
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
I wrote "to whom" because the day, which is the subject here, was personified.
I think my issue is with 'complied', as with 'brine-dripping' it seems out of place. I'd suggest something simpler like 'we did what we were told'
Yes. I'll think of another word in place of complied.
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
People won't know what I'm talking about.
And I don't think anyone called the cartoon that, at least when I was a kid.
I didn't know what you were talking about, but googling Ed, Edd n Eddy led straight to 'the Eds'.
It doesn't sound natural to me. I would never call the show that.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
It feels like I'm leaving stuff out.
You are, but perhaps the reader might fill in the blanks.
Stuff like the complied part-- I'll see what I can fix when separating these last few stanzas into four line verses.
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below...
Well this was the overall point of the poem: the contemplation of memories being dreams as a kid or an actual memory,
then tossing that contemplation out the window. Without this, the poem is just a retelling of an assumed-by-the-audience memory.
I'll toy around with these final stanzas.
To be honest, I didn't get 'tossing that contemplation out the window' at all.
Perhaps you need to anchor the contemplation in a object, for instance, one that might have been collected from the beach?
*Tossing the idea of contemplating the value of the "memory".
My bad, I was a bit vague. I think adding an object at the end of the poem to focus on might be doing too much, maybe to the point it might need to become a separate poem.
Best, Alex.