11-11-2017, 02:21 AM
Hi alexorande
I think you could leave a space/line here; and that the piece be structured in four line verses.
Don't know about this. I want the piece to have a loose feel to it.
I think the only time the piece having a loose feel becomes a problem is in the third stanza, which I feel goes on too long.
Still trying to figure out how to solve that.
Just my opinion, but I think you've already got a loose feel anyway, arising from the 'simple' language and the long-ish sentences - what I would call a conversational tone. If nothing else, four lines might serve to help achieve the focus that is lacking in parts of S3 and S4.
do you need 'seem' here?
I think I do, bc when rereading it, it sounds like I'm making a simile with the wind instead of their calls.
I didn't have a problem following the simile.
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
I wrote "to whom" because the day, which is the subject here, was personified.
I think my issue is with 'complied', as with 'brine-dripping' it seems out of place. I'd suggest something simpler like 'we did what we were told'
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
People won't know what I'm talking about.
And I don't think anyone called the cartoon that, at least when I was a kid.
I didn't know what you were talking about, but googling Ed, Edd n Eddy led straight to 'the Eds'.
Grandpa looks a bit short-changed by comparison
Haha, it's just how he was! He's a quiet guy in comparison to my grandma.
We love them all the same though.
I think what you're getting at here is that he deserves a metaphor?
I agree in that case.
Yes, exactly, he does deserve a metaphor.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
It feels like I'm leaving stuff out.
You are, but perhaps the reader might fill in the blanks.
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below...
Well this was the overall point of the poem: the contemplation of memories being dreams as a kid or an actual memory,
then tossing that contemplation out the window. Without this, the poem is just a retelling of an assumed-by-the-audience memory.
I'll toy around with these final stanzas.
To be honest, I didn't get 'tossing that contemplation out the window' at all.
Perhaps you need to anchor the contemplation in a object, for instance, one that might have been collected from the beach?
Best, Knot.
I think you could leave a space/line here; and that the piece be structured in four line verses.
Don't know about this. I want the piece to have a loose feel to it.
I think the only time the piece having a loose feel becomes a problem is in the third stanza, which I feel goes on too long.
Still trying to figure out how to solve that.
Just my opinion, but I think you've already got a loose feel anyway, arising from the 'simple' language and the long-ish sentences - what I would call a conversational tone. If nothing else, four lines might serve to help achieve the focus that is lacking in parts of S3 and S4.
do you need 'seem' here?
I think I do, bc when rereading it, it sounds like I'm making a simile with the wind instead of their calls.
I didn't have a problem following the simile.
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
I wrote "to whom" because the day, which is the subject here, was personified.
I think my issue is with 'complied', as with 'brine-dripping' it seems out of place. I'd suggest something simpler like 'we did what we were told'
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
People won't know what I'm talking about.
And I don't think anyone called the cartoon that, at least when I was a kid.
I didn't know what you were talking about, but googling Ed, Edd n Eddy led straight to 'the Eds'.
Grandpa looks a bit short-changed by comparison
Haha, it's just how he was! He's a quiet guy in comparison to my grandma.
We love them all the same though.
I think what you're getting at here is that he deserves a metaphor?
I agree in that case.
Yes, exactly, he does deserve a metaphor.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
It feels like I'm leaving stuff out.
You are, but perhaps the reader might fill in the blanks.
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below...
Well this was the overall point of the poem: the contemplation of memories being dreams as a kid or an actual memory,
then tossing that contemplation out the window. Without this, the poem is just a retelling of an assumed-by-the-audience memory.
I'll toy around with these final stanzas.
To be honest, I didn't get 'tossing that contemplation out the window' at all.
Perhaps you need to anchor the contemplation in a object, for instance, one that might have been collected from the beach?
Best, Knot.