11-11-2017, 12:00 AM
Hi alexorande
I think this is a nicely evoked memory of childhood that is just a bit overwritten/cluttered in places.
Enjoyed reading it.
In an artless time—
Nice opening
Don't understand the em dash
my sister and I chased
brine-dripping seagulls
'brine-dripping' seems to be trying to hard,
and rather undercuts the innocent youthful simplicity of 'my sister and I'.
off the edge of the world
nice
I think you could leave a space/line here; and that the piece be structured in four line verses.
while the waves crooned
through our Grandparents' lips,
making their calls to us
seem like sand on the wind
that stirred Muhly grass
and tossed finer hair,
seem like the fragrance
do you need 'seem' here?
from sea slushing on rocks.
('slushing' is rather unpoetic by comparison, perhaps 'slipping'?)
I like the thought underlying this section
but I don't think it is a well, or clearly, expressed
as it could be.
We ran until we met
the aging day's drowsy tug
— to whom we complied when
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
we hopped in the shower,
ripened up,
and got dry.
We sprung on the bed
before catching some episodes
of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
Abuela, in her silken gown, reads
Abraham Lincoln's biography.
terrific detail
Grandpa, who doesn't talk much,
is fast in his sleep.
(are you trying to say 'quickly asleep'?)
Grandpa looks a bit short-changed by comparison
Tonight the moon's face
resembles Abuela's
soft disapproval
another excellent image.
of our late-night television consuming
— to which, of course, we comply
repetition of 'compliance', why?
with the ease of the
shore's ever-sweet lullaby.
Then off goes the lamp.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below. They don't seem to add anything, and the central thought - 'was born out of love' - comes through and does not need to be explicitly stated.
A temporary stay at temporal ban.
I confounded this thought
with dreams and all a boy could experience,
into warped meditation.
And though the value of this
is blotted out so beautifully,
I am as sure as a stone is a stone:
eventide at that beach was born
out of love
for when decrepitude comes.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
I think this is a nicely evoked memory of childhood that is just a bit overwritten/cluttered in places.
Enjoyed reading it.
In an artless time—
Nice opening
Don't understand the em dash
my sister and I chased
brine-dripping seagulls
'brine-dripping' seems to be trying to hard,
and rather undercuts the innocent youthful simplicity of 'my sister and I'.
off the edge of the world
nice
I think you could leave a space/line here; and that the piece be structured in four line verses.
while the waves crooned
through our Grandparents' lips,
making their calls to us
seem like sand on the wind
that stirred Muhly grass
and tossed finer hair,
seem like the fragrance
do you need 'seem' here?
from sea slushing on rocks.
('slushing' is rather unpoetic by comparison, perhaps 'slipping'?)
I like the thought underlying this section
but I don't think it is a well, or clearly, expressed
as it could be.
We ran until we met
the aging day's drowsy tug
— to whom we complied when
(Do you mean 'with which we complied'?)
we hopped in the shower,
ripened up,
and got dry.
We sprung on the bed
before catching some episodes
of Ed, Edd n Eddy.
(perhaps just 'the Eds'?)
Abuela, in her silken gown, reads
Abraham Lincoln's biography.
terrific detail
Grandpa, who doesn't talk much,
is fast in his sleep.
(are you trying to say 'quickly asleep'?)
Grandpa looks a bit short-changed by comparison
Tonight the moon's face
resembles Abuela's
soft disapproval
another excellent image.
of our late-night television consuming
— to which, of course, we comply
repetition of 'compliance', why?
with the ease of the
shore's ever-sweet lullaby.
Then off goes the lamp.
Not really as successful as the rest, could it not simply reduce to
'Then off goes the lamp'?
I'm not sure you need any of the lines below. They don't seem to add anything, and the central thought - 'was born out of love' - comes through and does not need to be explicitly stated.
A temporary stay at temporal ban.
I confounded this thought
with dreams and all a boy could experience,
into warped meditation.
And though the value of this
is blotted out so beautifully,
I am as sure as a stone is a stone:
eventide at that beach was born
out of love
for when decrepitude comes.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.