10-31-2017, 11:47 PM
Hey Lydia,
haven't you been busy? Some bold cuts which have certainly improved things.
You said you've been 'having trouble trying to express the idea behind it all'
and reading it I'm wondering if it's because there's more than one idea,
and if they're all jostling for space.
Perhaps this isn't a single poem?
Anyway, here's my critique.
I think this should be where you start.
Spring is two steps forwards,
and I am one step back.
I breathe in-out on frozen rivers, iced with diamonds;
No comma after 'forwards'.
It's ambiguous as to what is 'iced with diamonds'.
Also, 'iced', after 'frozen', seems redundant
a dazzling world, lit from without.
It might work better as a single sentence/thought. Something like;
Spring is two steps forwards,
I am one step back
breathing in on frozen rivers
breathing out [..?..];
a dazzling world,
lit from without.
(Without sunlight, reality doesn’t sparkle, but calls from winds barrelling through thin walls; from hungry stomachs in soup kitchens with no soup; from wet boots down city streets covered in grey snow; a world smudged—drawn—with charcoal. )
The problem here is you've just described a 'dazzling world' and 'diamonds'
but now you say 'reality doesn't sparkle'. Rather inconsistent.
Also, I don't understand what you trying to say here, but I think the 'city' scene is a good sketch,
you just need to find a better way into it.
It might help, and be more ironic, to go straight from 'lit from without' to
wet boots [what are they doing?] city streets,
soups kitchens of empty stomachs (should you want a less prose-like phrase)
and a couple more examples (what happened to the coal on highways, for instance)
Spring is tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow lit by dreamy sunlight; a future I waltz with but never bring home.
I am today and today and today, rowing down streams decorated with green-again willows in a world still grey.
Do you really want the Macbeth association of 'tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow'?
Why not just,
Spring is always tomorrow ?
a future I waltz with but never bring home.
I like the line, though perhaps simply 'dance' rather then 'waltz'?
You could also rework this with the first stanza (see below).
I am today and today and today, rowing down streams decorated with green-again willows in a world still grey.
Lost again (I'm afraid), you are also now 'rowing down streams'
where before you were breathing on 'frozen rivers'.
If this is the thaw, then I'd want more of a sense that time has passed.
Spring returns dressed in cherry blossoms
and sun-glowed cheeks, and
melts into my waiting embrace.
'melts' seems wrong here.
I'd have though something more to do with
budding/flowering/growing might be more appropriate.
His willow hair brush[ing]blushed cheeks
[blushing] in a wet smelling wind.
('smelling' seems a very poor choice)
from the braided branches
Magnolias bud and I run
wanting fingers through them,
(I like how 'wanting' could be misheard as 'wanton')
whisper-wondering:
“Won’t you stay?”
He caresses my lingering grasp with genteel grass.
'Won't you stay' would make for a better ending, I think.
To be honest I think this stanza is of a completely different tone (romantic/erotic)
to the others and works perfectly on its own. My advice is cut this out and repost as a separate poem.
Something like
Spring Returns
dressed in cherry blossoms
he melts into my waiting embrace;
willow hair brushing cheeks,
blushing in a wet smelling wind.
From the braided branches
Magnolias bud and I run
wanting fingers through them,
“Won’t you stay?”
Similarly, you might consider;
Spring Waltz
Spring is always tomorrow
A future I dance with
but never bring home.
[he is] two steps forwards,
I am one step back
breathing in on frozen rivers
breathing out [..?..];
a dazzling world,
lit from without.
Best, Knot
haven't you been busy? Some bold cuts which have certainly improved things.
You said you've been 'having trouble trying to express the idea behind it all'
and reading it I'm wondering if it's because there's more than one idea,
and if they're all jostling for space.
Perhaps this isn't a single poem?
Anyway, here's my critique.
I think this should be where you start.
Spring is two steps forwards,
and I am one step back.
I breathe in-out on frozen rivers, iced with diamonds;
No comma after 'forwards'.
It's ambiguous as to what is 'iced with diamonds'.
Also, 'iced', after 'frozen', seems redundant
a dazzling world, lit from without.
It might work better as a single sentence/thought. Something like;
Spring is two steps forwards,
I am one step back
breathing in on frozen rivers
breathing out [..?..];
a dazzling world,
lit from without.
(Without sunlight, reality doesn’t sparkle, but calls from winds barrelling through thin walls; from hungry stomachs in soup kitchens with no soup; from wet boots down city streets covered in grey snow; a world smudged—drawn—with charcoal. )
The problem here is you've just described a 'dazzling world' and 'diamonds'
but now you say 'reality doesn't sparkle'. Rather inconsistent.
Also, I don't understand what you trying to say here, but I think the 'city' scene is a good sketch,
you just need to find a better way into it.
It might help, and be more ironic, to go straight from 'lit from without' to
wet boots [what are they doing?] city streets,
soups kitchens of empty stomachs (should you want a less prose-like phrase)
and a couple more examples (what happened to the coal on highways, for instance)
Spring is tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow lit by dreamy sunlight; a future I waltz with but never bring home.
I am today and today and today, rowing down streams decorated with green-again willows in a world still grey.
Do you really want the Macbeth association of 'tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow'?
Why not just,
Spring is always tomorrow ?
a future I waltz with but never bring home.
I like the line, though perhaps simply 'dance' rather then 'waltz'?
You could also rework this with the first stanza (see below).
I am today and today and today, rowing down streams decorated with green-again willows in a world still grey.
Lost again (I'm afraid), you are also now 'rowing down streams'
where before you were breathing on 'frozen rivers'.
If this is the thaw, then I'd want more of a sense that time has passed.
Spring returns dressed in cherry blossoms
and sun-glowed cheeks, and
melts into my waiting embrace.
'melts' seems wrong here.
I'd have though something more to do with
budding/flowering/growing might be more appropriate.
His willow hair brush[ing]blushed cheeks
[blushing] in a wet smelling wind.
('smelling' seems a very poor choice)
from the braided branches
Magnolias bud and I run
wanting fingers through them,
(I like how 'wanting' could be misheard as 'wanton')
whisper-wondering:
“Won’t you stay?”
He caresses my lingering grasp with genteel grass.
'Won't you stay' would make for a better ending, I think.
To be honest I think this stanza is of a completely different tone (romantic/erotic)
to the others and works perfectly on its own. My advice is cut this out and repost as a separate poem.
Something like
Spring Returns
dressed in cherry blossoms
he melts into my waiting embrace;
willow hair brushing cheeks,
blushing in a wet smelling wind.
From the braided branches
Magnolias bud and I run
wanting fingers through them,
“Won’t you stay?”
Similarly, you might consider;
Spring Waltz
Spring is always tomorrow
A future I dance with
but never bring home.
[he is] two steps forwards,
I am one step back
breathing in on frozen rivers
breathing out [..?..];
a dazzling world,
lit from without.
Best, Knot