A Night In ICU When Mother Is Dying

[71degrees]

Hi 71degrees

A far door swings open and a doctor
Not convinced by 'a far door' (how many are there?), nor the line break on 'doctor'
(though you could perhaps get away with 'the far door')
Is it the opening door that draws the attention or who enters?
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
I like the idea of synchronized (though it suggests a very wide door if they could enter together, rather than on after the other), but the combination of both waltz and dancers seems too much. You could perhaps keep waltz and have the doctor 'leading' (or vice versa).
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

each carries a platinum chart.
I think, after synchronized, you should describe the similarities first, then the differences, ending on their silence.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
I like the detail, but you could add 'her room';
in her room, no.627, [all lines but one
have been taken out]
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour.
again, good detail, but not enough of it (for me). How is the morphine administered? By machine or by hand?
Plastic pens click,
this seems to almost read as an afterthought from S1 (though you could end the stanza with it as it would better set up S3)
a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel
'fallen snow angel' is very sentimental (also, isn't it what remains after the body that made it has left?)


I think you could reprise the opening line, or a version thereof, as in;
The far door closes,
they...
the two of them
two-step quickly down
'two-step' implies 'quickly (I think) and it seem odd after 'waltz'
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.
I'm not sure you need 'proud and confident', and 'soon dead' (rather than simply 'dying') seems to be trying too hard.

Given the title I don't think you have the balance quite right yet between the 'night in the ICU' component' (which I think is the more successful element) and 'Mother is dying' (which, in contrast, seems underwritten).


Best, Knot

An ICU floor has a million doors, Knot. They both came through the wide, far door at the end of the hallway. Also, the poem really isn't about the mom dying but more so the "dancing" of the doctor and nurse. Kind of like synchronized swimmers. Or something like that. Thanks for the comments.