10-25-2017, 11:50 PM
Hi Richard
Better for the revision I think, some suggestions:
Move S3 to the beginning, it offers a stronger opening I think.
Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes
perhaps 'watchers' for eyes, to avoid repetition with 'eye-lids'.
that stare at his tip-toe walk.
Eye-lids give soft darkness,
perhaps 'offer' for give'?
looking too long is a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.
I think this should be 'I' rather than 'you' (for those of us that don't have sons, or plush bears, or both).
Then you panic,
force your eyes open,
'force open' doesn't seem to fit with sleeplessness.
did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.
It does feel like you're a verse short.
(Perhaps it could start with;
The ceiling is an indifferent [sky] ?)
Best, Knot.
Better for the revision I think, some suggestions:
Move S3 to the beginning, it offers a stronger opening I think.
Night was once welcomed.
The stars were happy dreamers,
but now they are additional eyes
perhaps 'watchers' for eyes, to avoid repetition with 'eye-lids'.
that stare at his tip-toe walk.
Eye-lids give soft darkness,
perhaps 'offer' for give'?
looking too long is a failed distraction.
You can't stop thinking of your son's plush bear,
the one he never plays with.
I think this should be 'I' rather than 'you' (for those of us that don't have sons, or plush bears, or both).
Then you panic,
force your eyes open,
'force open' doesn't seem to fit with sleeplessness.
did you buy more of his favorite crackers?
He won't eat anything else for breakfast.
It does feel like you're a verse short.
(Perhaps it could start with;
The ceiling is an indifferent [sky] ?)
Best, Knot.