A Night In ICU When Mother Is Dying

[71degrees]

‘Among a floor of the soon dead’ is implied in the title and in the snow angel’s head.
The ‘soon’, especially, makes it feel dumbed down a bit too much.
I’d prefer something hyperbolic, like ‘on the floor of the dead’ or a line break device such as

proud  and confident, young
and living.

Keep searching. Great poem, otherwise.

Out of all the comments here, I liked yours. Made a couple of minor edits. Thanks.

71degrees

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Hey 71degrees,
I like the overall idea here. I do have some thoughts though:

A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers. -The wording "waltz in" bothers me. It is almost cliched, but it works with your metaphor. I would suggest changing it to "enter".
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart. -I'm not sure about this spacing choice, but I do love the way the nurse and doctor are described here. The word "Adorned" in particular carries a lot of weight in suggesting how the speaker feels about them.

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken
out, bluish-morphine is every hour -I like the line breaks here. It emphasizes all the right words.
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel -I quite like this simile. It is a sad, but beautiful way to describe someone dying.

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors— -I would suggest ending on the "closed doors". I think it is a suitable image to end with.

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead. -I agree with Achebe that this isn't the strongest last line, but I think you need the info in the second last line. I'm going to make a suggestion that your last two stanzas should be combined and read something like this:

Proud and confident, young and living,
the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors.
It doesn't have to be exactly like this, but I think you get my point.

There is a lot to like here, and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Thanks for looking in, Richard. Made a couple of minor nit fixes at the end. Appreciate all your thoughts.

Cheers to you, 71 degrees

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A far door swings open and a doctor
and a nurse waltz in like synced-dancers.
No words, one in a white coat, the other
in a V-neck solid blue top. Adorned
with silver watches, matching black      
stethoscopes

                      each carries a platinum chart.          i don´t see why this line is so enhanced

In Room 627, all but one line has been taken           maybe leave out "in room 627" the stanza is clear enough and it would leave more attention to "all but one line has been taken out". i think the enjambment is unnecessary.
out, bluish-morphine is every hour
on the hour. Plastic pens click, a head sinks              this makes it seem as if the pens clicking made the head sink (i think you could leave it out, and focus on the description
into a white pillow like a fallen snow angel

the two of them
two-step quickly down
the polished linoleum floor, past all
closed doors—

proud and confident, young and living
among a floor of the soon dead.

maybe it would help a little if they would appear depressed and commiserating.
imagine doing that for a whole work life.
no easy solution to that contradiction.

i like the poem though i think the title is too obvious.

I agree titles are a dime a dozen. I will probably try for something a bit more enhanced when it's time. Thanks. The "platinum" line is enhanced b/c of the musical connotation of them dancing. Platinum record kind of thingee. Maybe that's not coming across (ha/ha). But I like it. The "pens clicking" also adds to the musicality of the piece. It's all choreographed on a hospital floor. The "dance of death" or something like that. The beeps of the machine (almost put that in), the clicks of the pens, the shoes on the floor, etc.

Read it again in this vein.

Thanks for all your comments. Appreciate it.

71degrees