Camazotz, revision 4

[Achebe]

Hi Lizzie,
I was also seeing alliteration, though in Pekingese/Pomeranian/people,
but what I heard (I think) was a kind of echo between 'Shih Tzu'
and 'actualize' which I found pleasing
and similar thought leads me to suggest
in cool summer neutrals —
Pinot Grigio, Serengeti Sun, Ecru Mushroom
(original had humans/cool/neutrals...ecru mushroom, far too many uː  sounds so close together).
do you need 'too' (another uː) after 'wholesale'?
'and whistle' to 'whistling' makes for a smoother flow I think.


Best, Knot

Hi, Knot! I appreciate you coming back to the piece, and I will look again at those sonics.

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I like the Pop Clink.
Otherwise, I think the edited version is poorer for cutting out ‘Baja beige’. Although ‘the breast that doesn’t sweat’ was trying too hard.
‘Fantasies actualise” sounds horrible
I think the original also began very well. The edited version begins with a boring philosophical observation.

Hey you. Well, horrible sonics isn't good, is it? Oh, dear....

Did you like Baja beige for what it was or could another descriptive element take its place?

And you'd rather the first line be: "I play a part," rather than "We all look mass produced here?" Ok, I'll think on it.

The original had many things goung for it
The intro was interesting
There was more detail 
This isn’t the type of poem where economy helps a great deal, its conversational
I’d rather you stuck with the original