High Sierra Night

[ellajam]

Hi, illya. This poem does a good job of describing the scene but while it makes me want to go with it I find myself on the outside looking in instead of quite getting there. Some notes on why this may be so are below.

High Sierra Night

Late at night at altitude Is altitude necessary when your title has "high"?
aptly wrapped in warmth Warmth is abstract, a missed opportunity for me to enter the poem through a specific experience.
amid an ambient wind, Ambient doesn't help me any.
I lie staring at glinting
stars flickering through
the shivering tree
canopy above me; You might limit the "ing"s through here, They thicken the poem when for me I'm expecting a light, stimulating experience.
a full moon illuminates
surrounding snow-capped
mountain peaks and ridges,
silhouetting lower layers of
jagged crags and spires. A clear picture forms but somehow I'm looking at a postcard instead of a unique painting. Try to think about using language that evokes a cold, still night.
Breathing in soothing Soothing doesn't help me, I think the whole poem is soothing and doesn't need to be mentioned.
pine scented air,
I doze off listening to
snowmelt splash among
creek rocks gleaming Love snowmelt splash and creek rocks, the soft sound of the first phrase vs the hard sound of the second. Not a fan of "among".
in the High Sierra night.

I think this poem is close to success. Good luck with it.