virtual

[Lizzie]

Hello vagabond. I have some thoughts for you on the revision.

edit.

I am not here but could be anywhere -- but the body is still in the "real", yes? So, it's a matter of split being, not moving whole into one reality or another. Also, try to stay away from too many static/being verbs, like ' could be.' It doesn't move the action forward. Example: you could say, 'My body is trapped , but I could fly anywhere.' (Just thinking 'fly' because of the spider web image, which I realize you cut, so take it for what it's worth -- it's just an example).
as I stare into a flickering monitor. -- is "flickering" important to the storyline? Make every word count, because poetry is all about maximum meaning through minimal speech.
No use to touch the screen or to inquire -- 'no use touching the screen or inquiring' -- fewer words and avoids the repetition of "to."
about the other ends or dead-ends of the wire. -- I don't technology very well, but wouldn't the end be in someone else's computer?  I don't understand where a wire comes in except a home computer plugging into a phone jack...I hope I'm right about this.  Anyway, with so much being wireless these days, I'd take another look at this line. What I do like very much is the idea of disconnection from others -- all that's viscerally real is ourselves. The "no use" tugs at the heartstrings with its hopelessness and resignation. 
 
To lose the ground is easy in this stream. -- Even though this switches the imagery to the natural world with "ground" and "stream," I like it. For me, it's a good contrast. It's like being swept away in a flood.        
It only seems controlled, this lucid dream. -- I don't think you need, "only." I'm wanting a continuation of the stream imagery. And controlled by who? Seems like we're getting into conspiracy theory territory.
I´m paralysed by longing or by desperation -- here's where the piece starts to go off the rails for me. I totally get the emotion behind the piece, but it's not engaging for the reader to have everything spelled out this way. Your imagery/metaphor needs to do this work for you. I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but it's important: the reader needs to be shown, not told.
and swallowing the toxins of this revelation. -- so, the paralysis and toxin seem related to the spider web imagery which you abandoned. So, I'd either bring the spider back or re-word these last two lines.
 
Unlock the den of thieves in cyberspace, -- I have no idea what this line means. It's also unclear to me who is being addressed (since "unlock" used in this way is a command).
and pour my feelings out among the virtual waste, -- "feelings" is too generic -- needs some clarifying. And, what virtual waste? What does the waste consist of? The reader is left to wonder.
left empty-hearted and condemned to stay
here in the real world. Another unreal day. -- In the previous version you didn't have a period in the middle. I don't see the point of breaking up the sentence since "another unreal day" then becomes a fragment. Also, I think you can do better than "unreal." There are so many adjectives that will contrast nicely with real.

It has a Matrixey kind of feel with the computerized vs. organic world. The idea that I like most here is the inability of the speaker to know for sure what's on the other end of the virtual connection, leaving the speaker in a world that is effectively just self, self, self. And more self. This is a hardship for someone who loses bits of self-identity without the co-creation of shared reality that exists between two flesh and blood people. God, I hope that makes sense.  

Anyway, I think you have plenty of options for imagery and metaphor -- I'd say just work on clarity and pulling in the reader by showing concepts with concrete details.

I hope this is not overwhelming. All the best to you in your poetic endeavors.  

Lizzie