10-20-2017, 09:56 PM
Hi Lizzie.
I enjoyed this, the narrator has a really interesting voice
to which I was happy to listen.
Great opening, and the repetition of wines, dogs
and housing materials works well.
A few small nits:
L3 line break after 'humans'?
Repetition with dresses/dress/dressed (L5,8,10)
L9 repetition of 'like' (I don't think you need it)
L12 'prejudiced against' sounds slightly off to me.
For me there's a bit of a bump with the end of S2 start of S3.
The former ends on 'outlandish people...' whilst the latter
asserts 'I'm one of those people now'
(I thought the narrator got a 'presentable pet'
and so was not one who failed to assimilate)
Are L16-17 strictly necessary?
It reads like there's something to be made from the smallness
of the 'presentable pets'.
L23. Should 'weatherproof' not be 'weatherproofing'? (Genuinely curious)
L32. 'sun' after 'sunflower', why not 'star'?
Best, Knot.
I enjoyed this, the narrator has a really interesting voice
to which I was happy to listen.
Great opening, and the repetition of wines, dogs
and housing materials works well.
A few small nits:
L3 line break after 'humans'?
Repetition with dresses/dress/dressed (L5,8,10)
L9 repetition of 'like' (I don't think you need it)
L12 'prejudiced against' sounds slightly off to me.
For me there's a bit of a bump with the end of S2 start of S3.
The former ends on 'outlandish people...' whilst the latter
asserts 'I'm one of those people now'
(I thought the narrator got a 'presentable pet'
and so was not one who failed to assimilate)
Are L16-17 strictly necessary?
It reads like there's something to be made from the smallness
of the 'presentable pets'.
L23. Should 'weatherproof' not be 'weatherproofing'? (Genuinely curious)
L32. 'sun' after 'sunflower', why not 'star'?
Best, Knot.