10-20-2017, 09:52 PM
Todd
I agree with Lizzie about the improvements this revision brings,
but it does raise the issue of the (I assume) unintended rhymes
in the first two couplets. And again, following Lizzie, naming
the plants (even only the trees) would solve this issue.
Would suggest:
Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.
[F]lowers glint [u]nder the dry light,
unblown pinwheels, in the still air.
It reads rather like an impression/description of a landscape enduring a drought ,
which I like but can't square with the title.
Best, Knot
I agree with Lizzie about the improvements this revision brings,
but it does raise the issue of the (I assume) unintended rhymes
in the first two couplets. And again, following Lizzie, naming
the plants (even only the trees) would solve this issue.
Would suggest:
Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.
[F]lowers glint [u]nder the dry light,
unblown pinwheels, in the still air.
It reads rather like an impression/description of a landscape enduring a drought ,
which I like but can't square with the title.
Best, Knot